Young & Reckless
by brokenredbird
Summary: An AU about the children of YR SORASed and fucked up. Some new YR children will be added to complete the ensemble. This is dealing heavily with drugs, sex, and violence. This story isn't for prudes or uptight hhousewives/grandmas. Thanks Erika for inspiring me.
1. Chapter 1

_Have you ever seen a dead body before?_

 _No?_

 _Well, I have. Mine._

"Oh shit." The Newman Abbott princess said with lips of an angel, but if you knew her you would know her heart was painted blacker than the asphalt she walked upon. "Is she dead?" Katie looked over to her best friend Moses. His beautiful mocha skin looked gaunt under the harsh neon red lights in the bathroom.

"She looks dead." Katie repeated. Her cobalt blue eyes flashed from my very dead corpse to her best friend, who had been stunned silent. His mouth opened to say something, but what came out wasn't what she expected. Chunks flew everywhere. _Some even by me. I didn't mind_ _though. Not anymore._

"Moses! What the fuck do we do?" Katie was hysterical now. Her hands flew to her face clawing at her perfect fair skin. The beautiful ballerina shaped doll was now a shaken wreck.

 _As long as I lived, all twenty of those years, I have never seen the Ice Princess like this. She was distraught, unnerved, and I was the reason behind it all. I would laugh if I could._

"I don-" Moses words were cut off, by another's.

"Is she dead?" Mattie asked, mimicking Katie's.

"What do you think you idiot? You think she's lying next to the porcelain throne with her eyes wide open for fun?" Katie snapped, her hands were grasping the sink behind her now, it was as if she needed support. "Shut up, bitch. This is probably your fault." Mattie retorted, backing away from the stall like a frightened doe. Her round brown eyes begin to leaked tears. She immediately brushed them away. Embarrassed.

 _I guess the sight of me was more disturbing than I originally thought. Mattie was a nice girl, though we weren't friends. She never treated me like shit. She never was a Katie to me. She was kind enough to say 'hi' whenever she saw me in the halls or in class. I wish I could tell her how much that meant to me._

"My fault?" Katie's voice grew in volume at the accusation. "Last I checked the only murderer in this room was you, Mattie." She knew how to hit those buttons and she got the reaction she was hoping for. Mattie lunged for her. Her hands finding their way around Katie's throat. Katie just hung her head back and laughed. Moses quickly interfered. "Let her go." His shaky hands reached out to Mattie's wrist. She fought back the urge to choke the life from her former friend's body and become the true murderer Katie loved to taunt her with. Mattie dropped her hold on Katie. Without another word she stalked over to the sink furthest from them. Moses gave Katie a disapproving look and she returned it with a glare.

It felt like an hour had past. The noise from outside caught all their attention. Panic started to set in. "I can't be here." Katie murmured, her hands ran through the tangle dark mess atop of her head. She was sweating profusely and her hands started to shake. She quickly removed her pink _Kate Spade_ cat clutch from off her shoulder. She searched through it. Desperately in need of something.

"What are you doing, Katie?" Moses asked, after finally getting his bearings together. He couldn't looked over in that direction. He just couldn't. He had to focus on something else. Someone else. He didn't know how to handle a situation like this. This was nothing like when Katie accidentally OD'd on Christian's prescription of Ritalin. At the end of the night she was calling him a bitch for calling 911. She was fine. This girl was not.

"I need to ease the tension."

"What?"

"She needs to get high, Moe."

Moses watched as Katie cut a line on a battle of the bands flyer he gave to her earlier that day. The snow was pure white and smooth like ice. She went straight across with ease. She was a pro at this. "Katie? No!" He snatched the clear plastic baggie from her hand. Going to the next stall over to dump it. Her scream was echoed around them in the small women's restroom. Her eyes were wide and her lips curled in a sneer. "You need to be sober right now."

 _He was right. The cops came next. The same night I accidentally overdose was the same night of their bust of The White Knight. Johnny Abbott never saw it coming. He thought he was untouchable. He was...to an extent. He was an heir to the Newmans and Abbotts. Two big families always in battle over power and money. Each one trying to outsmart the other, but in the end they all danced to whatever tune Victor Newman played. He was a real puppet master. An iniquitous one at that._

Johnny's face became an ashen white. He couldn't breathe. Everything was going so fast for him. His brain couldn't keep up. The girls were just up on stage giving the audience some of their best dances, the waitresses were just serving some his most expensive liquor and he was doing a line of blow with bourbon as a chaser. He was high as a kite and nothing could keep him down. He felt invincible. That was until the Feds came knocking. The door busted down like it weighed no more than a feather. His girls were no longer dancing. They were running while holding their naked breasts. His waitresses dropped a thousand dollars worth of alcohol and were also running. His club had shifted from an erotic white out party to a maelstrom of bare ass, screaming, and broken glass, while he watched it all happen from his office above. It was built just above the stage with a two way mirror to disguise what it actually held within its walls. This office made him feel like a god, he wasn't plagued by the petty worries of mortals. He didn't fear nothing when safely locked behind the thick sound proof enclosure. He had all he needed back here. His drugs, his money, and a clear shot of t & a. He could stay here forever, but forever was officially cut off with this raid.

The girl that was underneath his desk giving him amazing head was now too scared to stand. Her mouth slipped off his dick and stayed shut too afraid to move. He couldn't move either, but it wasn't fear that caused his immobility. He wasn't afraid. He was actually tired. Tired of running. Maybe he deserved all of this. Maybe it was his time to face the consequences of all the shit he had done.

 _Or maybe he was going to become someone's bitch and take it up the ass for the next year for drug peddling to high school and college students._

"Nah. Fuck that."

Johnny slipped his now flaccid penis back into his white _Brooks Brothers_ slacks. He started cleaning off of all the illegal drug paraphernalia he had cluttered on his desk. His slicked back golden honey blonde hair became undone. A thick strand fell just above his nose. He looked like a madman trying to discard or hide all the shit he had. His lips twitched and his hands itched. He was in need of a cigarette. The frightened girl underneath his desk watched as he grabbed a cigarette from his silver cigarette case that was engraved with his initials on it. It was a gift from his grandfather. One he truly cherished. It went well with his silver cocaine vial. That was a gift from himself.

He placed the cigarette between his lips. Taking a seat in his modern red velvet cushioned chair. He pulled out the lighter from his pocket. He lit the end of it, watching it smoulder for a bit before he inhaled the addictive fumes. The Feds hit his hiding spot next. He didn't even give them the satisfaction of seeing him panic or try to run. He remained calm and took another hit of his cigarette. Agent Malloy was leading the pack.

"Here's a warrant to search the premises and one for your arrest John Abbott IV." He slapped the papers down atop of his desk. Ronan leaned over making sure he was just a few inches from Johnny's face. "Victoria must be really proud of the man you became." Johnny inhaled and blew the smoke into Ronan Malloy's face. "She's very proud."

Connor bit his lip. Chewing at the piece of hanging skin that was now bleeding. His eyes were locked on Charlie. Charlie was a mess. He was scared and out of breath. They didn't know what to say to each other. The sounds of shouting and crying were becoming more and more apparent from their place in the men's restroom. Connor's asshole cousin was finally getting everything he deserved and hopefully more. Connor thought that would make him feel better finally watching Johnny go down for all his duplicity, but...but he now couldn't even think straight. His emotions were an entanglement of never ending knotted colors. His blues were snarled up with his reds which produced a nice grape color. The browns intertwined with his grays becoming a yucky muddy mess. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. He wondered what Charlie was thinking.

His back was pressed against the black tile wall. He slid down from a crouching position to a sitting one. It was as if his own legs could no longer sustain his own weight. His thoughts were screaming so loud inside his head he could swear Connor could hear them as his own. Charlie's lips started to move. Forming a sentence to speak out into the air between them, but nothing came out. What was he going to say? How could he ease the tension after what they had done? His fingers interlaced forming a tight lock. It kept his mind off of things and his hands occupied. His tongue felt like sandpaper scratching at the top of his roof. He was thirsty, but too afraid to get up and walk out into the madness.

"What do you think is going on out there?" Connor spoke first, breaking the uncomfortable silence they had created. Shattering their bubble of awkward existence. Charlie tried to clear his throat to respond, but there was a knot holding him back from communicating. It was extremely tight in the narrowness of his throat. He could see Connor fidget from anticipation. He was waiting for a response. He needed one.

"Never mind, man. Forget it." He forced out in a huff. Connor now bit down on the loose piece of skin. Tearing it from his lip. The taste of blood poured into his mouth. The pain was all, but a pinch. He spit it out into the sink. Staring back at his wan complexion in the splintered mirror. Ragged lines separated parts of his face. He looked as discombobulated as he felt. He couldn't put up his Newman mask, something he perfected over the years, using it as a shield to protect himself more than anything. Right now he was more exposed than he had ever been in his life. That terrified him.

The weight of the hand caught him off guard. Charlie looked uncomfortable. He didn't know what to say or how to say it. He just knew his best friend needed this. The taste of a smile danced across Connor's lips.

"You'll follow me into the dark?"

The words escaped him before he could truly think upon their meaning and what he was asking of him. Charlie knew the line well. It was from one of his favorite songs. Connor knew that. Charlie parted his lips to respond just as the door was kicked in. "Don't move!" Were the words that overshadowed Charlie's. Connor never did get his answer.

Ronan paced back and forth. His stubble itching at his skin. The coffee he had just tossed burnt the tip of his tongue, it made this whole thing worst. His hair was getting longer and gray strands grew with it. He was getting old. Being around all these kids made that feeling overwhelmingly known. Hour after hour interrogating them made him sink further into his own mind.

 _They were hiding something_ , he thought. He was convinced of it after talking to Connor Newman. He also knew he was in for a shit storm when their parents got word of their detainment. They were all from affluent families and their were the four spawned from a bloodline of Victor Newman's creating. That own man will of course be the first to stomped his geriatric evil ass down here to see what this was all about.

Ronan didn't care though. That old bastard wouldn't stop him from doing his job.

 _He had of course spoke too soon._

"What is the meaning of this? Why were my grandchildren arrested? What are the charges?" Victor's thunderous voice echoed through the halls of the GCPD. Ronan massaged his temples feeling a headache coming on.

"Do you want me to handle it?" the young rookie cop asked, his face had lit up by the challenge. Ronan placed a strong grip on his son's shoulder. "I'll handle this, Officer Malloy." Rory nodded as he went back to the papers that needed to be filed. The kid was like an eager puppy ready for all the danger and action. The paperwork was so tedious to him, but he would have to learn that both was necessary in becoming a great detective.

Ronan took a deep breath and walked straight over to the fuming old man. "Calm down, Victor." Ronan said keeping his voice leveled. The old man furrowed his brows and tighten his jaw. Ronan knew he was about to really hear the thunder in his voice. Thankfully they were interrupted.

"Malloy, the first witness is ready."

He sat across from the first person he was interrogating. The young girl was every bit of her mother. She was her reflection. In this moment though, she was an unsettled kid waiting to be released.

"Hello, Bella." Her daunting eyes rose to his. Her curly chestnut brown hair was pulled back into a messy bun. The couple of strands that touched her face was pushed behind her ear like it was distracting her from concentrating on what was happening right now. "You up to answering a few questions?" He seemed nice enough. Or was it that she needed him to be nice to ease the tension. She couldn't tell. She was doubting everything about herself. Tonight was her first night being at a strip club and she was excited, so much so she made her friend Christian come along. _Christian?_ Her mind went to him. They had got separated in all the chaos. What if he was hurt? It would be her fault. She just had to see what all the hype was about and go. His mom would of course blame her. As if she needed another reason for Mrs. Newman to want her away from her son. What if he had an asthma attack? She had to stop herself. This wasn't helping. So Bella cleared her throat and asked, "Is Christian alright?" The guy was slow to respond. His eyes were burning holes into face. She could tell he was seeing her mother. They all did. She was almost the spitting image of Chloe Mitchell. They all saw her in Bella, she wasn't her own person. She never was. She was the infamous Chloe's daughter. The one so bereft she lost her mind. Bella hated those looks. She clasped her hands and placed them on top of the table. "What is it? The hair? The eyes? Or my upbeat attitude?" She replied wryly to the silent question his face held. He blinked a few times. Getting out of whatever trance he was in. "Excuse me?"

"What is it that reminds me of the crazy bitch that drove off a cliff?"

Interrogation room three was finally occupied with a new witness. Christian Newman sat across from Ronan never meeting his scrutinizing gaze. His hands danced across the table. The kid was an anxious mess. His attention drawn from one thing to the next. Nothing holding him for more than a minute or two. "Is that really a two way mirror?" Christian asked, getting to his feet to walk around the table over to the mirror behind Ronan. "I've always wonder. You know cause of movies and stuff. Can they hear us?" He waved his hand awkwardly then dropped it. Staring at himself made him feel uncomfortable like he could spot every detail that was wrong with him. His shoulders were too soft. He was too skinny, he also developed a slight hump from not standing straight. He just didn't have the confidence his father and brother had. " _The swagger"_. Or so he was told by the girls at his high school. Now that he was in college he hoped that would all change. He had Bella. She was different. She also didn't look at him like some freak with autism. He didn't have autism, but the ongoing rumor was just that. He turned away from his reflection. He couldn't keep looking at all his flaws. The ones so blatantly obvious a blind person could see. He instead walked around the room.

"Would you take a seat? We have to talk."

Christian's eyes lingered on the cold steel chair for merely half a second before he turned his attention to the walls. "Is this soundproof? If I scream right now would anyone hear me?"

The headache was now throbbing against the confines of his head. It was like fist repeatedly pounding against his forehead. Ronan shut his eyes for a second, waiting for the next witness they had lined up. Each kid he talked to brought him no new information. No one would spill on who they got the drugs from or who killed the girl in the bathroom. That body was their biggest piece of evidence. He didn't mean to make her death seem insignificant or like she didn't matter, but the fact of the matter was that this young woman OD'd at Johnny Newman's strip club, The White Knight. The place where drugs were being sold to kids, some minors. As well as the prostitution, extortion, and illegal gambling that was allegedly going on there. Ronan knew without a doubt Johnny was committing so many crimes and was using his family's name and money to get away with it. This girl's death would give them more leeway with a judge to start digging deeper. He just needed a goddamn witness to all the illegal activities.

"So, did you know the victim?" Ronan dropped his hand from his forehead to give her all of his attention. Faith Newman sat across from him high as a kite. Her eyes were bloodshot red and she reeked of booze. She licked her lips and looked up at him. Her eyes wavering.

"I did."

It was all unraveling now. Faith felt like the temperature had risen in the last few seconds. Ronan was throwing questions at her left and right hoping to nail Johnny, but he wasn't who Ronan was really after. This went up. All the way up to the top of their family. "Do you really think my grandfather would be involved in any of this? He's not even the one who invested in Johnny's club." She said, tearing open a new pack of _Newport_. Her lips wrapped around the familiar stick with ease. Ronan leaned forward with a lighter to help get her started. "I don't know. You tell me then. How does a college dropout, who was locked out of his trust fund get an investor willingly interested in funding a high end strip club. Especially a kid with no experience?" Faith laughed at his attempts into getting her to spill anything. "You really think I would betray my own family?"

Ronan sat back in his chair. Studying the girl that sat before him. She was dressed in a gothic white dress that had a tightly secured corset in the middle with a black leather jacket. He didn't know if her black tights were suppose to have big holes in them or were they from a fight. Her blonde hair looked matted and filthy. She looked like she really been through it. So Ronan lean forward and snatched the lit cigarette from between her lips. He pressed the end to the table, snuffing it out.

"There's no smoking in my interrogation room."

She shifted in her seat before sighing. Her fingers couldn't even comb through her hair when she tried to run them through it. After a minute of struggling she gave up. "So, are we just going to sit here staring at each other until the next person to interrogate is ready?" She said lifting her boots on top of the table crossing her ankles. "No. I know you want to get out of here as badly as I do. I also know you're not close to your family. What I don't know is why are you protecting them?" Ronan could see she was on the verge of spilling. She just needed a push and he would gladly be the one to do it.

"Maybe I'm not protecting them. Maybe I'm protecting myself. Ever thought of that?" Her fingers felt heavy. She didn't know what to do with them. The old guy was really getting to her. She felt the heaviness from his harsh gaze upon her. He was like a hawk watching his prey squirm under the pressure. She lost her way from the Newman path. She even took a few down on her way out the door. Her mother being one of them. She'll never forget the way her mom looked at her with those locked piercing blue eyes. Swollen with tears, but also with a burning anger only a mother could hold. She of course blamed the guy Faith left with. It was always the guy's fault and not her shitty parenting. She even passed down her fractured mental state. She didn't know what was worst, being a Newman or being manic depressive.

"Tell me everything, Faith, and I will make sure you're protected. I don't want you. I just need you." He said bluntly. She appreciated that. He was honest. They both did need each other, for different reasons of course. There was nothing wrong with mutual gratification.

"It started last year. It was spring break. Also when The White Knight first opened. So much youthful recklessness and sexual awakening."

 _Atta girl, Faith. I hope while you're exposing all the secrets and lies_ _of your cousins you're also exposing your own. Especially the part where you left me to die in that bathroom stall. Pleading with you to go get help because the heroin I injected into my body wasn't in fact heroin, but a lethal dose of Pine Sol and morphine._

 _You watched me put that needle in my arm and then choke on my vomit as I seized. I couldn't talk, but my eyes spoke to you. Begged you._

 _You killed me, Faith Cassidy Newman. And so did all the rest of you. I hope you're proud of yourselves._


	2. Chapter 2

" **Katie"**

 _18 months ago_

 _Welcome to the Ice Castle of Genoa City, Wisconsin. A small elite apartment complex for the wealthier classmates of Genoa City University. Their children occupied these white opulent walls with a pretentiousness only the rich and spoiled could muster. They radiate with money and power like the future CEOs most of them were predestined to be. Hidden behind the walls that enclose this extravagant apartment complex were the well kept secrets and lies from the elite, who would possibly kill to keep these secrets and lies from public knowledge. I would know, now wouldn't I?_

 _Snobs! They didn't deserve such amenities. They didn't deserve to have their hands washed clean of errors and crimes by their ignorant docile parents. Who cares about money when your kids had hearts as black as coal with brutal swords for tongues. Their words cut deep, leaving ragged open bleeding wounds that didn't healed so easily. My skin was still raw and bleeding the night I died, but I guess none of this really matters._

 _Gods they were thought of by other students, who either feared them or tried to use them for personal gain. Coming from blue collar families, parents who worked from dawn to dusk just to keep the lights on and food in the fridge, could only get you so far in this world dominated by conglomerate businesses. Gods? I didn't think so, but even a god could fall from their heavenly abode._

Her skin was sun kissed, her hair curled to perfection and her black lace up bra was doing its job. She pouted her pink supple lips letting her tongue roll over them to keep the moisture and the theme going. Her ass looked amazing in the black high waist panties that shaped her frame. Katie might not have been blessed with the curves of a goddess, but nevertheless she was skinny and sexy. Which paid well. Very well.

"Do you like it, daddy?" She said into the camera as she arched her back. She wiggled her little ass as she gently kissed the clear pink dildo. "What was that? You wanna a peek?" She wagged her index finger into the camera, making sure to place the same finger into her mouth. "You're so naughty." She got onto her knees, bouncing lightly on her bed. The setup was perfect. Her black chiffon curtains were drawn and the hanging white paper Japanese lanterns dangled from above, illuminating the room with a warm glow. Her backdrop was a modern Victorian velvet texture, purple and black just like her bedspread. She loved the way the two colors folded so well within another. Reminding her of some gothic enchantress lording over the weak willed men she invited into her sex dungeon through the small camera attached to her laptop.

"Fine. I guess you can get a little peek." She said letting the strap to her bra drop a bit, exposing her hard nipple. It was all an act of course. She wasn't actually turned on, her nipples were hardened by the bowl of ice cubes she kept close to her bed, but it worked. They loved the allure of an untouched pure virgin looking for a big strong man to teach her in all things dick. Most of her customers were as old as her father. Some older than that. She also knew more about sex than they could ever possibly imagine, but here she was as Pink Clitty. Her white sequined masquerade mask hid her identity well. Last thing she needed was a family scandal. She wouldn't mind the attention, but her parents would lose their shit and probably take her out their will. No. She wasn't losing out on that goldmine when they finally croaked. So she played it safe. It even added to the fantasy.

Before she could get to the good stuff, she heard her front door open."Seems we have a guest." She said making sure the apprehension in her voice was undetected. Katie slid off her bed. She ran around the room blowing out her thick scented pillar candles. Grabbing her gray robe just as the knob to her bedroom door twisted open. She released a sigh of relief. She was happy to see that it was only Moses. "I almost pissed myself. Have you heard of the modern day way of communicating with someone before you just show up? It's called texting." She said removing the robe, walking back over to her bed. "I did text. You must have missed it. All six of them." He countered, throwing his bag down sitting in her natural wood swing chair. "Sorry, guys. Gotta go." She blew a sensual kiss and closed her laptop. "Well, damn." She said looking down at her phone. "You really did blow me up. So what's the plan for our spring break?" She asked while peeling her lingerie from her body. She wasn't afraid to be naked in front of Moses. He seen it all before. In more ways than one. In a way she thinks he secretly enjoys it, but he would never tell her that. Almost like one of her customers. The sight of the perky breasts and a firm ass made men yearn for the touch, it was like a fantasy of theirs. Naked girls made their dicks hard. Even Moses', but they were best friends and they didn't think of each other like that, but he was still a man. Something she never forgot. "I say we hit the Underground tonight, get tipsy and then catch our flight to Montreal. A friend of mine is DJing at this club and we just have to see him." Moses said raising their two plane tickets for first class. He made sure his eyes didn't linger too much on her any part of her. It was a difficult task because each time he would find something to distract himself with, Katie would get his attention back on her. She knew what she was doing. It was like a game to her, she thought it was just his natural urge as a man. Never believing it to be more than that. It was for him. It always was.

"Sounds like a plan. Let me take a quick shower and we can head out." She said heading to the bathroom adjacent to her bedroom. "Where are we going at four in the afternoon?" He said from his place still in her room. She pretended to ignore him for a second while she jumped into the shower. He didn't let her get away with that. He pushed the door open and lean against the door frame folding his arms. She had already made her escape behind the frosted glass box that was her shower. The hot water hit her skin and burned. She added a little cold water until it was lukewarm. She smiled at his blurry silhouette. Even from her vantage point behind the steam and glass she could see his usual frown. He was always so resistant to whatever she had in mind, but he always wound up right by her side in whatever it was they got into. A smiled crept up on her face whenever she was reminded of the night in jail they had spent. He was so angry, grumbling like an old man, and blaming her for everything. It was her fault though. It was always her fault.

They were sixteen and she had stolen the keys to her dad's matte black _Ferrari 458_. She picked up Moses, who was shocked to see that her dad gave her his car when she only had a learner's permit. She of course didn't tell him she had been drinking all day in celebration of this permit. They both got high off the weed she also stole from Johnny. Then they drove for hours and hours just talking, and laughing at nothing at all. That night was one long never ending drive to nowhere. The bruised black sky seemed fathomless. The stars were sprinkled by the dozens giving them this natural source of light. The moon was sliver of nothingness and white dust. She'd squint up at it trying to make sense of its beauty. It was as if nothing else existed besides them and this damn car. That damn car also drove straight into the fence that enclosed a farm. Katie knew she should stop or at least swerve, but she let go of the wheel instead. Letting it determine their path. The laughter between them never died down either. That was until they hit Agatha.

Blood trickled down the middle of her forehead. She cracked a smile at the sight of it all. Blood filled her mouth. She had bit clean through her tongue. The tip of it floated around her mouth in a sea of blood. Agatha, the cow, that was pinned beneath the weight of the car and against the still tractor was in distressed and tears flowed freely down its face. She coughed out blood when she tried to laugh. Choking on her saliva and the thick scarlet liquid that marinade the once hollowness that was her cheeks. Her brain felt like a shaken hourglass, it was like she was being repeatedly turned upside down. A concussion probably. She shrugged. Her eyes blinked through the blood to look over at Moses. He was so quiet and for a second her heart stopped. Her breath stayed trapped in her lungs while she turned her head slightly to peer over at the passenger side. He wasn't there. His door was wide open and he was gone. Katie undid her seatbelt and pushed opened her door. Falling out onto her knees, she called out to him. She couldn't breathe. Where was he? Her eyes searched the wide open fields before her. No response. She got up from her knees and stumbled over to his side. Fresh air filled her lungs when she finally released the stale metallic air she had kept within. She fell back to her knees cradling a crying Moses. "What the fuck did we do, Katie?" He was in a state of shock. His tears were out of his control. He was fine otherwise. A few scratches from where the windshield shattered over them, but no broken bones from what she could see. Her uncle Stitch made sure to teach her all the basics when it came to trauma care. She was a fast learner and picked it all up with ease.

"Don't worry, Moses. We live life fast and recklessly. We own the night." Her drunken words soothe no one, but herself. Thankfully the awful sounds the cow was making finally stopped and so did Moses' tears. Their night in jail was only part of their punishment. They had received a hundred hours of community service and even though Katie was the one driving both of their driving privileges had been suspended for at least two years. Katie of course had to do a drug and alcohol course. Their parents never truly trusted them again after that. Johnny also was furious at her for the accident. He always kept a closer eye on her like she was an unraveling ball of yawn. As if one day all the pieces that held her together would fall apart and then who knew what would become of her.

Stepping out into the hall Katie froze. The smell hit her like a tidal wave. She felt a little weak in the knees. Her head pressed against the wall of her hallway, which was located on the 3rd floor. Moses stopped as well, only to watch her. He didn't catch on to aroma that filled the halls. He didn't recognize it like she did. She knew it well. Intimately. Sandalwood and jasmine. They were reminiscent of time Katie had thought was long gone.

"What?" Moses whispered unsure of how to approach the situation. Katie straighten her back, smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles in her black skater skirt. She made sure to adjust her breasts inside her tank crop top. She dug through her _Chanel_ plush pink crossbody bag taking out the tiny glass bottle of perfume. She dabbed a bit of _Marc Jacobs_ around her neck, breasts, and just a bit behind the ear. She was ready.

The tall slender fiery haired girl turned the corner. A box was occupying her arms and a small smile danced across her lips. She was standing next to Mattie, a girl Katie loathed, but tolerated on Moses' behalf. Katie raised and brow at her friend before she turned around, walking straight into the girls. "Oh, I didn't see you two." She said, not offering up any kind of apology. Mattie glared at the Newman Abbott heiress. Their hatred for another ran deep. It was shocking to ever believe they were once good friends, best friends one could even foolishly call it. Now they gave off the animosity of immortal enemies.

"Excuse you. You're in our way." Mattie retorted, eyeing the apartment door just down the hall. It was only a few feet away from Katie's. "You're excused, rat." Katie didn't let her attention stay too long on Mattie. She was too focused on the girl that smelled of jasmine and sandalwood. Instead of the two aromas battling one another to be the more dominated one they coexisted in a perfect sensual harmony. "Hello, Katie. It's been a minute." Lucy said nodding as if she was just remembering their past relationship. "It has been too long." Katie smiled. Her eyes rolled over Lucy's body taking mental pictures of everything. Noting all the changes she saw. Her slight tanned thighs, the extra pound that clung to her stomach and hips, the inch of copper hair that grew since she been away, and the extra cinnamon specks of freckles that took up more space on her cheeks. Katie also noticed the brown box she was holding in her arms. Katie raised a hand, extending toward her once upon a very long time ago girlfriend and knocked the box she held out of her arms.

 _Crash_

The sound of breaking glass made Katie smile. "I hope that wasn't expensive." Katie took a step back and watched as she bent down to pick up the box. "Nice to see some things still haven't changed. You're still a bitch." Lucy retorted, not letting Katie see how she affected her. "It's nice to see you've stopped purging. The extra weight looks good on you, but you should really rethink the dye jobs. We all know you're not _that_ red." Katie adjusted her sights from Lucy to Mattie. The girl was staring back at her with a scowl on her face. The expression was suppose to he threatening and yet Katie felt nothing for it. Not an ounce of regret for her chosen words or fear. If anything Mattie should fear her. Katie knew secrets about her that even she wouldn't want to expose. "Let's go, Kit Kat." Moses said, using his childhood nickname for her. He tried his best to keep some semblance of peace between the two of them. One being blood and the other being what he considered his soulmate in all things that mattered. So on his behalf Katie tried, not very well though, to play neutral with the darling Ashby rat. Katie brushed past the two girls with Moses on her heels. She stopped just before she turned the corner and said, "Mattie, the all year round Coachella look is so played out. Even for you." She smirked to herself as she strutted down the hall toward their elevator. As always her attempts of neutrality with Mattie failed.

"So are you going to tell me where we're heading or nah?" Moses asked, blowing his breath. He looked anxious scratching the back of his head while his eyes darted from each window. He always became agitated whenever she was driving. She had accepted that way about it. Katie reached over and punched him in the arm. "Quit your bitchin', we're nearly there." Katie turned into the nearly empty parking lot. A slow smile spread across Moses' face. They were outside The White Knight, a distasteful nickname her brother referred to his junk as.

"The White Knight is a slayer of pussy and of pussy's friend anal." He had once joked at their dinner table when their mom asked why her assistant had called him that at _Brash & Sassy_ earlier that day. Let's just say Johnny wasn't invited to another family dinner for a month and mom's assistant? Well, let's just say she was receiving unemployment benefits after that revelation.

"Are we about to see some tiddies?" Moses released the tension he had in his eyebrows and now gave Katie an approving smile. She rolled her eyes at him and waited as her brother Johnny jogged down the red velvet steps of the entrance to his strip club. She rolled down the window giving him enough space to lean over and place a quick kiss on her cheek. "It's my beautiful sister and her lovelorn shadow." Johnny quipped, nodding at Moses. "Moses." Katie corrected as she opened the door to her blood red _Aston Martin_. Making sure to hit her brother with the door. "I told you not to call him that." Katie grumbled while Johnny groaned in pain as the door slammed into his leg. "It's fine Katie. I'm use to Johnny's jokes." Moses kept his voice even, but she could tell he wasn't fine with the jokes. Johnny smooth out the wrinkle in his pants. He was wearing a tailored grey pinstriped suit, that went well with his leather dress shoes. Her brother always dressed like he was going to some high-end fashion show.

"If I die tomorrow, I need to make sure I'm a sharp muthafucka for the coroner's office." He use to say just before he lightly tapped her nose with his index finger. That was something their uncle Adam taught them. Dress like you're going to die tomorrow because you just might, were words they came to live by. Johnny more so than her.

"I'm happy to hear you can take a joke. Now on we go." Johnny swiftly turned around and headed for his club. Skipping up the steps as he did. The walls were alive with neon blue lights that gave the large room a cool glow, then in an instant it switched to red, bathing them in the warm ghoulish hue. The walls were made of satin ivory with crown moldings topping it. It was smooth to the touch, like the skin of an angel. Katie ran her hand along the wall as they walked from the small foyer through the curtain to the main floor. Just like the foyer the walls were satin ivory and warm shades of blue, red, and purple poured over every inch of the large room. It reminded Katie of a grand ballroom, but instead of waltzes and champagne there was lap dances and _Cognac_. The white pieces of furniture each took on the shade of a glowing color. They were the only things that brought any sort of light in the corners of the room. The main lights were for the stage. That was the main focus. The large white stage with gold poles adorning them.

"Is this made from…" before she could finish that question Johnny answered her proudly. "It's made from pure gold, but there is a normal pole underneath to keep the gold from cracking under the weight of all that ass that will most definitely be pressed up against it." Johnny offered Moses a knowing smile. Moses returned it and went straight over to one the three main plush chairs that sat right in front of the stage. Katie took the seat next to him and Johnny took the other one to her left. Each chair was a small round shape with red upholstery. Katie noticed the top of stage was clear glass with a room just below. "That's extra." Johnny added. Katie sat back in her chair, pleased by her brother's accomplishment. "So where's the talent?" Katie asked as she accepted the flute glass of champagne. Johnny accepted the glass of scotch with no ice, while Moses waved off the other glass of champagne. "Don't be a pussy, man. I ordered the most weakest drink for you." Johnny taunted. Katie gave him another severe look. A warning. "He doesn't drink." She simply stated, downing hers in one gulp. Johnny shrugged. "Let the show began." He clapped his hands and the first dancer appeared on stage.

She was voluptuous with brown skin and easy eyes. Katie was mesmerized. She was wearing a army green cut two piece, a cut out crop top with a fringed skirt. One of her thighs were like the size of both of Katie's put together. Her curves didn't stop her from being a limber beauty. She shook her long ebony hair and began swaying her hips. She whipped her hair over her shoulder and dropped to floor of the stage. The music was a slow steady tempo that was soon picking up. She removed her top and tossing it over to Moses. Katie grabbed it from him and smiled at the girl, who smiled back.

"I think our Kit Kat is in love." Johnny mused as he rolled up a blunt. The girls were each sexy in their own way, even though some were either without rhythm or without ass. Katie was the main deciding factor of who stayed and who goes. They had saw over fifty girls that day and only twenty-five were chosen. Twelve of the twenty-five would dance for the opening night this Saturday. Johnny would decide that. The blunt was hit twice then passed as they looked at the girls' headshots. With the blunt in her hand Katie lift the picture of the first girl who had danced for them. Her name was Krishna and she was Indian. Her stage name was Kitty. Something Katie appreciated. "You better pick my girl, Kitty." Katie raised her picture high in Johnny's face. He snatched the picture from her. Also taking the blunt out from between Katie's fingers. He inhaled and studied the headshot. She was a good dancer. Not the best, but her exotic look and sexiness made up for that. He exhaled with a heavy sigh. "I guess she could be one of the dancers." Katie raised her hands in victory. Securing Krishna's job was also securing her a one night trip to India.

After they left the White Knight they headed back to their apartments. The sun had already started to set, turning the sky to a nice peach color with wisps of clouds spread out. Moses was calling his friends in Montreal as they stepped off the elevator. They had scratched their plans of heading to the Underground and decided to just stay in for the night. Katie's smile dropped and turned into a glare, her feet faltered for only a second which made Moses walk right into her back. "Katie?" He said lifting his eyes off his phone. He then noticed her too. "What are you doing here, Manson?" Katie sneered at her cousin Faith. The girl stood from her crouching position on the floor. "Hahaha. You're sense of humor never ceases to amaze me, Katie." Faith said with a scowl. Katie made a face of her own. One filled with disgust for her cousin. The girl look extremely thin underneath all her black rags. Her black leather jacket looked heavy on her, swallowing her tiny body within it. Her hair was a tangled mess of bleached blonde strands forming into unknowing dreadlocks. "Still plugging your arms up with holes?" She didn't expect a response and she didn't get one. "What do you want Faith?"

Faith shifted nervously under the weight of Katie's scrutinizing gaze. She sighed and said, "I need a place to stay. It's only for a little while. Y'know until I get back on my feet." Katie rolled her eyes preparing her mouth for all the nos she was about to deliver her, when Moses nudged her. She was afraid to look at him. She knew what his eyes would tell her. He was a better person than her. He always was. In some ways she felt he made her a somewhat decent person, but also a weaker one. When she did look at him, his eyes had soften and was understanding. He was willing her to understand.

 _That could be you, y'know?_

She heard his silent words dance around her. She released a heavy sigh. She was about to let the crack whore stay with her.

"You steal any of my shit, bitch, and I'll cut you." Katie said walking past her. Faith lift her head, letting a smile slowly appear. "I don't steal from family." Faith said entering Katie's apartment. Katie gave her a look of disbelief. Faith threw her hands up. "Okay that was one time and it was only from my parents." Katie shook her head and hung her keys on the hook just by the door. Moses fell onto the couch as he went through his texts. Faith paused at the door.

"These are pretty." She picked up the bouquet of white Jasmines from out the hallway. "Where did those come from?" Katie asked snatching them from her. Faith held the card that came with them in her hand. "Looks like our little Katie has a secret admirer. I wonder who it could be." Faith moved across the room keeping the card from Katie. Katie's jaw tighten seeing Faith open the small black paper envelope. She read the words aloud.

" _I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;_

 _I lift my lids and all is born again._

 _I think I made you up in my head."_

Faith squinted at the card. Her face shifting into a question mark. "What?" Her mouth opened to express her obvious confusion. Katie grabbed the card from her hands. "Crack for brains it's a poem by Sylvia Plath." Katie read each line over carefully. She swallowed the knot that tightened in her throat. Moses looked up from his place on the couch. "You okay, Katie?" He asked seeing the slight change in her face. Katie read it once more and than slipped it back into the envelope. Giving him a quick smile she nodded. "Of course I am. Let me just go pack for our trip." She grabbed the flowers on her way to her room. She quickly shut her door behind her. Her grip on the Jasmines started clamping down with each passing second. They had to be from her.

 _Lucy._

The name whispered inside her head like a soft poisonous kiss of venom. She held her breath for a moment. Deep in thought she wondered, could this be our new beginning? Foolish. She was silly to even think of such a thing. She hated the girl with whom she shared so much with. Her first love some would call it. She just remembered she was the girl who broke her heart and stained her soul with dirty hands. She looked back down at the flowers. Inhaling the sobering scent and then threw them across the room. Most of the petals came flying off in heaps, but she didn't care. She wouldn't let Lucy Romalotti be her undoing.

"Katie? You okay?"

Moses' deep voice hummed through the door. It was smooth like honey and all she wanted was to dip her fingers into it. It would be wrong. She knew that, but again in this moment she did not care. She open the door, rushing into his arms. He embraced her lovingly. His touch was always so gentle with her as if she was fragile. Which she wasn't. He knew that and still he chose to be this gentle with her.

She looked over his shoulder at a lingering Faith. She didn't hide the fact she was listening in and Katie didn't hide the fact she was unwanted. She slammed the door and with it all the world fell. She was falling so fast. It was spinning. Deeper and deeper. The world pushed against her making her legs buckled until she gave in to their power. This was a ride and she was taking it on Winters' dick. Something to dull the pain. Something to help her forget. It was all she needed in that moment she told herself, but when night came so did her regret. So did the fear she would unravel and the pieces would fall apart. She would fall apart.

 **Part II**

Her fingers danced across the window pane. Her skin was drenched with sweat. The AC was blowing weakly in the rental they got. Moses looked just as uncomfortable as she did. The silence was suffocating. She knew their night together would come back to bite her in the ass. She didn't know why she did the things she did. It was like she couldn't help herself. She used him and his body. He was her best friend and he deserved better.

"Hey." She said nudging him. He looked over at her and smiled. "Hey." He repeated. She didn't want to ruin their friendship. So she didn't bring it up. She didn't want to complicate things even more. "Who else did you invite?" Katie asked as she adjusted her black halter top underneath her white leather jacket. He kept his eyes on the road. Making sure he didn't make eye contact. "Just a couple people from the studio and…" Moses trailed off after that. Katie stopped messing with her clothes and looked up at him. "And?" She pressed, waiting for a response that never seem to come. Moses made a left and the previously darken street was lit up with city lights. Bright colorful ones aligned their view. He was pulling up to the nightclub before she could be more persistent in her questioning. Once parked Katie slid from out of the passenger side. The wind blew and uplifted her skirt. A chill set in and she pulled the ends of skirt down. Her eye connected with a guy just across the lot. She almost felt embarrassed, thinking he saw what was underneath her skirt. More so what wasn't underneath her skirt. Instead he just smiled for a bit and walked inside with his friends.

"What was that?" Moses asked noticing the exchange. His voice had a hint of jealousy, but she chose to ignore it. "I don't know." Katie shrugged and followed Moses' lead into the club.

The music was vibrating along the walls. Bodies clung together moving as one. Katie watched, riveted by both sexes and the hunger she could see in their eyes. The hunger for either attention or lust. She was more interested in the latter though. The crowd seemed to part for Moses. He was known here. He moved through them with an ease and confidence she so rarely seen from him back at Genoa City in their Principles of Marketing class, or in any of their classes if she was being honest. He came alive here. This was where he was meant to be. If only his parents could see that.

"You wanna drink?" He nodded toward the bar. Katie smiled anticipating the cold hard liquor running down her throat when she took it to the head. She nodded and Moses was off for something to wet the tongue of his parched princess. Sadly, she needed more. Much more. This type of scene was always a good place to score. You just to look for either the most seedy looking guy or the most exuberant sexual girl in the room. Katie's eyes traveled along the walls. Searching until they locked down on her. The girl was super skinny and wearing a crown. Her curly charcoal black hair was released from its formal bun to bounce around her shoulders wildly. A radiant smile was plastered on her face while she stood to dance. Her legs were about to buckle underneath her when Katie gave her a hand. "You looked like you needed the help." Katie said with a gentle sincere face. The girl straighten her eyes and immediately fixed her balance. "It seems I did. What a white knight you are." Her eyes were now entranced by Katie. She didn't waste no time and pulled Katie in for kiss. Katie was actually shocked by her forwardness, but the crowned brunette was slightly buzzed and it had become such a trendy thing to make out with another girl. Katie pulled her in deeper. Their feet shuffled underneath them toward the nearest restroom. Katie lift the girl by the waist and placed her roughly on the granite counter top. Ebony, Katie dubbed her, threw her head back to laugh, but that quickly turned to a moan when Katie's mouth found their way to her exposed breast. It was easy telling a straight girl who was testing out the waters from a girl who was full blown dyke. Ebony was the former. She was so sensitive wherever Katie touched her. It was like no man had ever discovered all the little places on her body that could have her pussy running like a faucet. When Katie's tongue touched her clit the girl came so hard her thighs clamped down around Katie's face. After she was done she looked exhausted for nearly half a second before perking right back up. Her bronze skin glistened with electricity. "You wanna take a trip to Wonderland, my knight?" She purred into Katie's ear. Katie watched as she reached into the clutch, she had held onto tightly this whole time, and reveal a bag filled with coke, some pills, and a wad of cash held together by a rubber band. "Selling?" Katie's interest was now piqued. Ebony just laughed and shrugged. "When you're a model this shit isn't hard to come by. Gotta keep your mind off the hunger somehow." She opened the baggie containing pills and placed one on her tongue. Katie opened her mouth to let her pass the pill. She swallowed right after procuring it. No less than two minutes later Katie was bouncing off the walls high as a kite. They both came running out the bathroom, dancing and rubbing up against each other. Everything seem to light up with colors. Yellows and blues touched the DJ's booth, while reds and purple collected on the floor. Katie pulled Ebony out onto that very same floor. Dancing amongst the colors and hot bodies that clamored to one another. She didn't think anything could break this high and then they walked up.

"What the fuck are you doing with her?" Mattie's eyes were far more threatening than she could ever be. Her question was directed at Ebony while her admonishing eyes were on Katie. Ebony stopped smiling and looked between the both of them. The confusion wasn't hard to miss. "We're just having fun, Mad Hatter. Calm down." Ebony said letting that wide smile spread back across her face. "Yeah, cool it, Pennsatucky. We're just having fun." Katie sneered. Mattie's hands went straight for Katie's neck, but the were slapped down. Katie stopped dancing and stared up at Lucy. "She's not worth it. Let's go, Mattie. You, too." She said nodding at Ebony. The girl unraveled from Katie's grasp and retracted back. Katie eyes stayed on the tall red head. Every part of her screamed out to touch her, but she remained cold and firm in her decision not to. "I was sure worth your time when you begged me to fuck you." It was Lucy's turn to now not look away from Katie's harsh glare. Her cool cobalt blue eyes were now a stormy grey that needed to hurt someone. Anyone. She wanted this pain she was carrying around with her like a scab to burden another. She would love for that person to be Lucy, but a foolish part of her didn't truly want to hurt the girl. She would never understand that stupid part of her. "Katie pull yourself together and just forget me like I forgot you." Lucy started to walk away first, but before she could Katie just had to get the last word like always. "I did, Lucy. I truly did. Since there was nothing real between us, it wasn't hard to forget you. I just can't forget how your tongue felt like sandpaper against my clit." Katie smirked. She let her tongue slip between her gleaming white teeth, tauntingly. Lucy wasted no time and headed for the exit. Mattie stepped in Katie's path. Blocking her sight of Lucy. "You really are an immature bitch you know that, right?" Katie smiled at her. She let her hand caress Mattie's face. Mattie immediately flinched at the gesture.

"If I wanted to talk to a girl with the smell of my brother's dick in her mouth I would converse with one of his whores."

Her face flushed a deep red. The anger made her nostrils flare and her fingers twitch. Katie was waiting for her to strike, just to give her an excuse to show the Ashby princess her bite was just as worst as her bark. She was far too lenient with the girl and that was out of respect for Moses, but she would no longer play this submissive role she had accepted. Before Mattie could do anything her brother Charlie came running to her behalf. He put an arm between the two girls. His eyes were mainly on Mattie. Katie hated how their feud caused a rift in her friendship with Charlie. She always liked him more.

"Let this be the end of it. C'mon, Mattie." He said getting his sister to move away from what became a scene for all to view. Katie hadn't realized she had once again put herself in the spotlight of unwanted attention. When she finally found Moses amongst the sea of people, she could see he wasn't happy at all with her. His face was always so easy to read. The way his brows furrowed and beads of sweat slowly fell down the side of his temple, told Katie he had been looking for her. The way his lips were pursed and his jaw clenched, told Katie he had found her and whatever mess she made. She tried to get him to smile. She poked at his sides, hoping she could get a laugh out of him. It didn't work. Her being playfully innocent with him seem to anger him more. "I'm sorry, okay?" She finally said. The crowd of gawkers that were previously watching her had finally let the music drown her out. She was grateful to no longer be the main focus of their attention. Moses shook off her arms and moved from her side. Heading for the very same exit Lucy left out of. Katie followed him, but she noticed a pair of eyes on her. It was the same guy from the parking lot. He was sitting inside one of the leather booths that took up a corner of the club. He was surrounded by people. They all seem to being having conversations at the same time. Laughing and drinking. He looked amused by it all, but his attention was drawn to her. Now, his amusement had shifted to fascination. She wanted to walk over to him and ask him what his deal was, but she knew that would only be an excuse. Her own curiosity stirred within at the mysterious black haired stranger that stared from across the room. A crowd separated them, but with their eyes locked it felt like only a few feet.

Moses was most definitely mad. Somehow she was at fault for Mattie's relapse. Katie didn't know that her words were so triggering for the little snowflake. This was all her fault. Maybe if Mattie didn't get in her face every possible second she wouldn't pick at her still very much open wounds. Katie groaned, rolling on her side as she did. Her hair fell with her every movement. She didn't bother smoothing it out to clear her vision. She had a bottle of vodka clenched in her fist and a bouquet of purple daffodils in the other hand. Another note from her anonymous admirer. One she now knew wasn't Lucy. How could she ever hoped for such a thing?

 _The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,_

 _And arbitrary blackness gallops in:_

 _I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead._

Whoever was sending her these gifts was a sadist, who enjoyed her misery. They were taunting her. Letting her know just how alone she truly was. Something all the alcohol, weed, and pills helped her forget. Her spring break had been nothing exciting like she hoped for. She was now on her way to her parents' house for a mandatory family dinner. It was the middle of the week, but her mom knew with the opening of Johnny's club and with classes starting back up, they both would be extremely busy. She wasn't looking forward to tonight's festivities and needed the liquid courage to help get her through the next three hours. This wouldn't be enough though. She needed something to lift her spirits a bit and she knew the exact pill that could do that.

Johnny sat outside the pale white apartment complex. His jet black _1966 Shelby Cobra_ beamed under the night sky. Almost as if it was specifically made from the unnerving blackness that engulfed them. Johnny's wavy blonde hair was slicked back, leaving not one strand out of place. He was dressed to kill, reminding Katie of some 50s icon. Which was funny seeing as he idolized James Dean.

"Rebel Without A Cause is my autobiography, Kit Kat." He once told her. Seeing himself as the embodiment of Jim Stark. It terrified her. Even more so now that he was twenty-three. Fearing he would want to go out like Dean, but probably in a little more style. She never told him this. Just as she was afraid of him ending his life, she feared of being mocked by him. So, she kept all this to herself while making sure to keep an eye on him.

"If I'm going you're going, hun." Katie said firmly as she applied a coat of _MAC_ 's Russian Red lipstick. Faith rolled her eyes and blew her breath. "You're not my mother, Katie. I won't be forced to spend my evening with a bunch of people I can't stand and can't stand me." Faith sunk deeper into the velvet plum chaise in Katie's living room. Picking at the hangnail that had been bugging her all day. "No, Faith. I'm not your mom, but I'm not about to leave a reformed junkie in my apartment, alone, for another night." Katie walked over toward her. Leering at her cousin she bent down closer to her. Grabbing her face within her firm grip. "So you either want to sleep in dumpster out back in the alley. Hoping your ass doesn't get fleas. Or," her lips curled into a smile, "eat a gourmet meal with your family for a few hours. Your choice." Katie dropped her face and walked to the door. Katie gave herself one last look before they both left.

The ecstasy started to kick in almost half an hour after she got to her parents' house. The night started off on a good note. Katie was seen as some sort of savior bringing Faith home to her uncle Nick and aunt Sharon. Even more so when she told them how she let Faith crash on her couch until she got her life together. She never knew letting the crack whore stay for a few nights would get her such brownie points. Katie smiled and accepted all the hugs given to her with a gracious attitude, while Faith groan and flinched at every touch. Dinner was even better. Once the drugs started to kick in Katie's mood just soared. She sat across from her uncle Adam and his family. Connor smiled watching every movement and every gesture his father did. Trying his best to imitate it. Katie couldn't stop herself from laughing. Eyes fell on her, but she quickly followed with a cough and a sip of her water. She could still feel Johnny's eyes on her though. He knew something was up. He always knew.

"So, Christian how has your first year of GCU been treating you?" Katie's mother asked smiling down at the boy. He didn't look up at her and ignored the question altogether. He held a thick brown book in his hands. One with the spine permanently bent and worn out from repeated use. _The Beautiful and Damned_ the cover read. His mother lowered the book from his face, forcing him to interact. He sighed. "What?" His tone was flat and his attention was already moving to something else.

"How's school?" Victoria repeated, a little less interested than before. He sat silent for a moment thinking to himself just before he went into full detail of his college life. His lips moved with an eloquent speed forcing them to keep up with every word. He wasn't too excited about all the other students though. Oddly enough he missed the comfort of his one on one tutors, his parents had hired for him when times got bad.

Katie tried to keep up with it all. She truly did, but the glitter butterfly was so distracting. Then it just had to land atop of her mother's wrist. Victoria lift her hand to pass a buttered roll to her father and Katie screamed. They all stopped what they were doing. The silence was daunting. Their eyes were all on her, it was another spotlight she didn't want or need. The purple butterfly that was bedecked with glitter, an assortment of vibrant gems, and tiny gold glasses flew away.

"Spectacular," She mused aloud. She coughed, trying her best to cover up for her outburst, "Sorry. I must have been falling asleep. Christian's stories will do that to you." She shrugged.

"Katherine Rose!" Her mother scolded while her father choked on his steak trying to keep from laughing. Victoria gave him a harsh look before apologizing to Christian on Katie's behalf. She knew the lecture she would be getting after dinner would be one full of long disapproving looks. Katie wasn't looking forward to that. She instead watched the butterfly. His large wings flapped with a grace only something as surreal as this could all be. It was now Connor's turn to talk about how his school year was going. He was in the same year as Katie and taking similar classes. They both were majoring in business and grandpa Victor was curious to know which of them was excelling. Connor smiled. Knowing it was him, who was at the top of their class. He was as bland as toast with the obsession of becoming his father. He lived to be Adam Newman, sadly those shoes were already filled and anything less would be a poor attempt at an unachievable goal. "Well, I don't want to gloat or anything." He did in fact though. He loved the attention and ego boost it gave him. "I might have Katie beat here. Her cleverness couldn't get her the top spot. Hard work and dedication is what was really needed." She yawned. Their eyes met. He smirked knowing she was off her game. Their grandfather gave him a hearty laugh. "Well done, my boy. Maybe next time Katie." He always needed to pit them against each other like race horses. She didn't know if he was aware of the competitiveness they had in their relationship because of him. Always looking to outdo the other in hopes of getting the affection one should already get freely from a grandfather. "I've actually considered dropping out and dancing full time at Johnny's strip club. You know the one opening this Friday?" She said evenly as she took a swig of her water. The fork hitting the plate was the only thing heard. That and Faith's snickering. This was now becoming too much for her mother to bear. Reed cleared his throat. "I have good news." He quickly captured the attention of the growing irate family members that surrounded the long espresso wood dining table.

"The numbers for my new album have finally come in and it's a hit. My label has already started on my tour dates." Their mother stood from her seat on the opposite side of him and rushed over to hug him.

Beside her, Johnny made a point to elbow Katie. "What's up?" He whispered into her ear. She dabbed the corners of her mouth with the crumpled gray napkin. Ignoring his question. "Deal with your shit without bring me into it." She got up from her seat. Hugging Reed as she did. "Congrats, bro. You're finally no longer the lead singer of a mediocre folk rock band playing repetitive ballads at coffee shops." The laugh that escaped her was cruel and long. She started to dance around the table humming one of her brother's songs from his first album that flopped. "I don't know what has gotten into you, young lady…" Her grandfather started when she caught him off. "Just shut up and die already." That's when the shouting started. She wasn't sure, but she could have sworn she saw Faith stealing a few hundreds out a couple of their wallets.

 **Part III**

 _I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed_

 _And sung me moonstruck, kissed me quite insane._

 _(I think I made you up inside me head.)_

Another note and another bouquet of flowers were waiting for her when she got back home. As well as the handsome stranger from the club in Montreal.

You know that feeling you get when you're walking home late at night, alone? The sky stands above you like a yawning mouth trying to swallow you whole, the air dances up your back giving you a feeling of a thousand eyes lingering on every inch of you, and then the dread sets in. You quicken your pace, too afraid to look over your shoulder. That fear sets into your chest becoming overwhelming as each second stretches on turning into a minute. Then, you reach your door and all the dread and worry evaporates with the swift turn of your key.

Women experience that fear ten times more than men because we know we are targets of their anger and violence. They tell you if you're compliant you won't be hurt during a mugging or if you wear the proper clothes a man won't think twice about assaulting you. In the end it's never your fault for the crime happening to you. You were either at the wrong place, at the wrong time, or just not strong enough to fight back.

 _(Where Does The Good Go by Tegan and Sara plays loudly in the background)_

Her body slams against the door. The keys drop from her hands. Her brain feels scrambled. Her vision blurs, but she's wide awake. He drops to his knees. Fumbling for her keys. Once in his hand the door is unlocked. They fight for control of the outcome of this situation. Katie trips over a pair of black leather boots. They aren't hers. They're Faith's. She discarded them there like a child's used toy after some carefree playtime. She's to blame for Katie's lost at the upper hand. While she's laying on top of the the solid white shag rug she bought during her father's business trip in Italy, she can see the petals from the many colored flowers she had been received scattered thoughtlessly around the floor. As well as over a thousand pictures taken of her. They were taped to her walls and even some strung up to her ceiling. What a marvellous dedication to her, she thought while he climbed on top of her.

She had over twelve hundred purses in her closet at that very moment. Nine hundred pair of shoes. Most of which were still at her mother's house. Nine thousand pieces of clothing. She would have more if she didn't donate some to homeless shelters every two years. She silently laughed at the thought of some ugly old hag wearing her _Gucci_ flip flops.

She struggled underneath him.

 _Whack!_

His fist connected with the socket of her eye. The pain was excruciating, but the thought of what was coming next hurt a thousand times more. Thank, God it never came. He was hit by someone or something. He rolled to the side away from Katie. Her dress was torn to pieces. She crawled to her feet. Shaking with such a force her teeth banged into each other.

"Are you okay?" The voice was soft and concerned. A comforting hand extended toward her. She recoiled immediately. The thought of another human being touching her revolted her. The hand dropped mid air and returned from whence it came.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Mattie repeated scared. You would think she was her assailant and not her savior from how she was behaving. She gripped the fire poker tightly. Afraid of releasing it from her grasp. The guy lay there unconscious and bleeding. You wouldn't expect him to commit such a crime. He was clean and looked wealthy. Not like some sleazy dirtbag standing on some dark corner. He was attractive.

"I need an ambulance and the police." Mattie said into the mouthpiece of her phone. Katie just watched him. Her eyes couldn't peel away from the human trash that was now lying on her floor."Please, come quickly." The urgency was high in Mattie's voice. Katie could no longer stare at the face of the man that attacked her. She walked across the floor. Stepping over him in the process to get to her room. Mattie cautiously watched her. Someone standing in the doorway caught her attention.

Johnny stood there. His eyes wandered around the room unfocused. He looked disheveled and a bit distraught. Faith was just behind him. She pushed past him to get to Katie. "Are you okay?" She asked nearly pulling her into an embrace, but stopping before she did. Katie's appearance is the first thing she saw and so did Johnny. He was in a state of disbelief. Katie turned and kept on walking this time. Not letting them or _him_ stop her.

The cops came soon after. They touched everything. More pictures of her were taken. Her privacy invaded. A million and one questions were asked and only two percent of those were answered and even half that were answered honestly. The time seem to go by slowly even though the clock said an hour had pass. A woman that hopped out the white ambulance immediately wrapped her in a thick smoky gray wool blanket. "You're alright now." The lady whispered into her ear as she rubbed her arms over the blanket. Katie stepped away from her. She wasn't some victim that needed the pep talk. She was fine.

"Don't tell mom or dad." She said to Johnny. He was standing in the background watching it all. Especially the guy handcuffed and sitting on the back of the ambulance. His arms were crossed and his once perfectly done hair was now ruffled. His jaw tighten at her request. "Katie.." He trailed off shaking his head in disagreement. She turned completely around to face him. "I'm fine, Johnny. Truly, I am. I don't need them becoming overprotective and disrupting what normal life I have left. So make this all go away." She said pulling the cigarette from the pocket within his jacket. He lit it for her as he nodded. "Okay. I'll make this all go away. They won't know it was you."

She gave him a soft smile before walking back inside the Ice Castle. Thankfully no one was still here for the events that had taken place tonight. They were all gone for spring break and wouldn't be back until Monday. So she was able to get some peace. That was before she saw her standing there gawking like some freak. Katie walked right up to the girl scowling. "Hey freak? You need something?" The girl's mouth flopped open and close like an awkward fish. Her blonde hair was combed into a unruly braid and her piercing wide blue eyes stood out underneath her thick black glasses. She was holding up a black _Canon_ digital camera. Dropping it inside her bag upon Katie's arrival.

 _Snap._

The sound of her glasses breaking when the force of Katie's fist made contact was actually satisfying. The girl went down and Katie walked off. She knew she should feel guilty, but she didn't. The bitch had it coming.

The warm water was invigorating. It was like a comforting hug after a long day. She sat at the bottom of her shower with her legs pulled into her chest. The tears that she thought would come never did. She was numb to it all. Her body didn't feel like hers. She sighed and got to her feet. Stepping out of the shower and into the soft plush gray robe she had left out for herself. Johnny had made sure his guys got rid of everything that guy left behind. Her apartment looked just as she left it, but she could still see the places where he had touch or had stood. He had left behind something permanent. Something not so easily removed.

Her laptop was still where she left it. Sitting kindly atop of her bed. She shut it and all the eyes peering into her room from places unknown. Shutting out the world that betrayed her and welcomed the groping hands of a predator. She was the victim, but this was her fault. The computer shattered the mirror on her vanity set. Shards of thick glass spread out on the floor. Katie walked on it. Feeling the glass dig into her skin. She opened a drawer from her vanity set and pulled out a blunt, with a swift light of the match it was lit. She inhaled the soothing smoke and then dropped the robe.

"What are you about to do, Johnny?" Mattie felt breathless whenever she was in his presence. She hated how he made her feel. It was as if she couldn't think with him in the room. Even after a year it was still the same. The feeling of your first love never went away. Especially not when it was this overwhelming.

She watched as he smoothed out his hair. Combing it back into place. "I'm going to make it this all go away. Take care of my sister. I'll be back." The tips of his fingers grazed her cheek just before his palm cupped her face. He paused for a second. She could tell he was hesitant. Unsure of how she would react to such affection, but after the night they had she yearned for it. Badly. He kissed her cheek gently letting his lips linger for longer than a heartbeat and then he was gone. It was Mattie left behind as always and this was now her turn.


	3. Chapter 3

" **Mattie"**

His lips were harsh against hers. There was a hunger there that only Johnny Abbott could muster. She felt like she was drowning within a sea of his darkness. Gasping for air where there was none. His skin was a bruised marble above her. Different shades of purple adorned his chest. Ones from fresh bruises and ones that were slowly healing. This was all she knew of him now. Cold heat, rough kisses, a mouth that smelled of alcohol and pain. He was her kryptonite. Her weakness. Something she thought she got rid of after the abortion of their child, and yet here he was between her legs. She welcomed his hard dick inside her like a nostalgic old toy she missed playing with. He was always so gentle when they made love. Giving her glimpses of the boy she fell in love with when they were fifteen. The sweet boy with the goofy grin and oddly cut hair she adored. Now he was this man. This irreverent, arrogant, intoxicating man. Her desire for him was vehement. It scared her how much she could love and hate someone at the same time. In this moment it was about neither. She simply needed him. Needed his body pressed against hers, his hands caressing her, his lips smothering her skin with the intensity that even the sun could envy.

He came to her a sweaty drunken mess. Needing the taste of her mouth to soothe his soul and for the night make him believe he wasn't a bad guy. Mattie pushed him to tell her what happened after he left her with his sister. He just smiled and said. "I took care of it." She knew without a doubt he did something awful. He gather his most loyal friends, guys who worked with him at _Green Ambition_ , a nightclub he use to work at under the helpful guide of Antonio Vargas, and they most definitely went after the guy who attacked Katie. Who knows what became of him after they got a hold him? Mattie didn't ask because she didn't want to know. Yet, it still ate at her a bit. Nibbling at the corners of doubt she had for her dark prince.

He didn't want to leave. He never did after they were together. Tonight's events just heighten that feeling. The inner struggle was apparent.

"I don't like you and my sister living on the top floor alone." He said sitting at the edge of her bed. "Especially not after what just happened. I hate not being able to keep the people I love safe." Mattie had gone silent at the word "love". It was such a small word and yet it held so much power. "Johnny, we'll be fine. Lucy just moved in across from Katie and I called Moses. I'm pretty sure once he gets the message he'll be running over here to move in." She smiled for his sake. He didn't reciprocate it. Instead he got even more upset. "That's great. The girl that dumped my sister for a failed career in Brussels and the boy that can't even work up the courage to tell her he's in love with her." He sighed, fumbling with his pants he had thrown to the floor. He was searching for something. Whether it be a pill or a cigarette, he just needed something to dull the pain. He would rather be numb than feel anything remotely painful. She still remembered him pissed drunk when she came home from the clinic. That was the day their relationship officially ended. She just couldn't completely be away from him. Still needing his touch like a dying man in need of care. His hands found what they needed. A flask filled with whatever he was drinking at the moment. His head tipped back as he drown the last of it. She let him be tonight. He didn't need any of her nagging. She could see that. He was a tornado and she was a hurricane. Together they were one vibrant mess of pain and pleasure. The pain, though, is something she made herself keep at the forefront of her mind because the damage they always did hurt a thousand more times than she ever wanted.

When the need of him was no longer there nor was he. He would disappear like a thief in the night. A cigarette would almost immediately be placed in his lips after. She watched as he lit the cigarette and revved up his engine. He paused though. His eyes lifted from the steering wheel he gripped to Mattie. Her eyes never wavered. She couldn't look away from the beautiful bright blue eyes that hid the monster within. She wish she could. It would be better for her if she did just look away and forget about him altogether. She couldn't though. He was first in breaking their locked gaze. Placing the cigarette back in between his lips and turning his head to back out the small private parking lot of the White Castle. She watched as his midnight black _1966 Shelby Cobra_ tore out of there. Speeding down the street and soon out of eyesight. Even then she still couldn't look away. She now just stared out into the emptiness that he left behind. Secretly wishing he fought harder to stay with her.

Morning came and with it so did all the troubles from last night. Mattie awoken from a deep sleep to a mattress full of sweat, shaking. The sound of harsh shouting was seeping through the walls. Her hands immediately raised to her ears feeling like a frighten child. Memories of her parents screaming at one another soon ensnarled her in the dark past of her childhood. She tried to shake them away. Living them was bad enough. Remembering them only caused more trouble. Something she didn't want. Mattie reached out for her _iPhone._ Her father's number was the first number she hit. Once it started to dial she held it up to her ears. She patiently waited as it rung. The thick Australian accent came next.

 _Hey, this is Cane Ashby. Sorry for missing your call. If you could leave your name and number I will return it at my earliest convenience._

Mattie's heart melted. He always reminded her of one of old teachers with that voicemail. She would joke about how her teachers always were impressed with how professional he sounded over the phone. He would simply laugh and say that was the best compliment. Now she needed to hear his voice for herself. "Hey, dad this is Mattie aka your better child. I just need to talk to you. I love you and I guess I'll call you back." She ended the call and got out of her bed. The shouting got louder as she neared her bedroom door. Almost as if it was taking place in her living room. Her hand gripped the knob for a second. Not sure if she wanted to open it. At last she did. It was like she was walking into WWIII or something. Moses was on one side and Lucy was on the other. They were inches from each other. The ferocity in their words and the hate that filled their eyes was overwhelming. They were both in loved with an Abbott and that took its toll on even the strongest because she wasn't only an Abbott, but also a Newman. The dysfunction was times two as well as the money. Mattie didn't see the allure of Katie, she was a spoiled brat with the wickedness of a corrupt politician. Mattie pulled them apart, forcing Lucy over to the couch and Moses over to the kitchen. "What the hell is going on? And why is it taking place in my apartment?" She asked letting her eyes dart back and forth between them. Their eyes stayed on one another like lion and lioness locked on battle. She didn't think either one of them would let up, but Moses looked away first. "I need to check up on Katie, but she won't answer for me. And Lucy's presence isn't helping." He nearly growled. Mattie forced him to look at her. She could see the panic on his face and the quiver in his bottom lip. He needed to make sure Katie was alright, but she of course shut him out. Probably the world. Mattie knew that would be something she did. "Moses?" She said in a softer tone. "She needs time and maybe a little space. I don't think she's up to deal with..." she made sure to choose her words carefully not wanting to hurt him more than he was hurting already. "people right now." He nodded his head. Not really agreeing, but he couldn't argue against that.

"I told him all that already, but I guess coming from me made it a problem." Lucy blew her breath and headed for the door. "Lucy, where are you going?" Mattie asked before the tall red head could duck out. She paused for a second with her hand on the door knob. "I was just…" She trailed off as she tried to come up with something. "She doesn't want to see you either." The words made Lucy flinch. Mattie could see she was also still in love with Katie. She was the first person Lucy wanted to see when she got back. The fear of seeing her again and her reaction made her not immediately go to her, but it didn't stop her from "accidentally" bumping into her in the hall. Mattie didn't understand the desire they both had to be near the ice princess. She wanted nothing more than to keep her distance. That just was nearly impossible. Hopefully that would soon change.

Mattie stood outside Katie's door. Her balled fist had rose to and fell with each passing heartbeat. She wanted to see how she was doing, but didn't know how to do it without coming across as overbearing. She raise her fist one more time and dropped it down onto the door. Before she could knock for a second time the door swung open. Katie stood before her in a sheer black robe and nothing else. Her feet was as bare as her body. The only thing she had was a cigarette in her hand. Mattie could feel her eyes lingering a little too long on her naked body and forced them upward to her face. Dark circles made their home underneath Katie's eyes. She didn't seem to care though. She simply glared. "Well, come in already. Hurry before the masses come to make sure I didn't slit from wrists." Katie said morbidly as she took another hit of her cigarette. Mattie rushed inside and closed the door. "The masses?" Mattie repeated confused. Then nodded. "Yeah. They were out there for some time. Are you sure you don't want to speak to Moses at least? He's...really worried about you." Mattie felt awkward being in Katie's apartment. They made sure to do whatever they could to keep their distance. Which was always hard in their case. Seeing as they lived just a few feet away from each other. "I don't really care about Moses' feelings right now. What I do care about is getting my place in order. You wanted something?" Katie made her way over to her chaise. Black garbage bags were spread out across the living room floor halfway filled. Faith was nowhere to be found. "Umm...I just wanted to see.." Katie held up a hand stopping her mid sentence. "Tell me you're not here to check up on me. We aren't friends. There's no need for your pity." Her gaze was cold and scrutinizing. Mattie sighed. She couldn't win with her. So instead she played her game. "Of course I'm not here to check up on you. Well, not out of my own volition. Johnny asked if I could. This is a favor to him. Not you." She said to ease Katie's fear, because God forbid they were ever actually nice to one another...again. Katie relaxed a bit and leaned against the back of her chaise. "You two had sex. Wow. Who knew me getting attacked by some freak would get you hot." Her words brought a feeling of shame and guilt in Mattie. She knew her face was turning an embarrassing deep red, which only further confirmed what Katie already knew. Katie got pleasure from this. Mattie was ready to go now. She was already making the excuse in her head to leave. When Katie sighed heavily and offered her a glass. Mattie was surprised by this gestured. She took the glass in silence. Even though it was way too earlier to be drinking. "Don't worry it's just orange juice with a hint of vodka." She said as she poured. Mattie took a sip. "I gotta go." She said once the she finished off the drink. The awkwardness that surrounded them was becoming stifling. Katie didn't seem to mind it. She just took another sip straight from the bottle and shrugged. "Then leave." Mattie swallowed the lump that had formed. Something compelled her to stay and yet, her feet headed for the door. Leaving behind the daunting princess.

She didn't know what that was back at Katie's. Mattie just knew it was weird. She wished she could say their relationship had deteriorated over time and that they simply grew apart, but one moment broke them. Doing irreparable damage. They were once great friends despite the animosity between their fathers. That all changed though and Mattie had come to accept it, but can another moment repair the damage? She didn't know whether that was actually possible. She just knew whatever had all those years go was gone. Nothing was going to bring that back.

She placed a soft smile on her lips when the door swung open. Her mother greeted her with a smile of her own. A more genuine one. Lily pulled her daughter in for a quick hug and ushered her into the house. "You're late." Mattie's mother chided her like she always did when she showed up a few minutes after she was suppose to. "Everyone is already eating." Mattie followed the smell of cinnamon, bacon, and fresh berries. "Of course they are. None of you can ever just wait a few minutes." Mattie said rolling her eyes. She knew they couldn't and honestly she wouldn't either. She didn't know what it was that kept her from being on time, it was just something she couldn't bring herself to do. She headed straight for the kitchen. Grabbing her a bowl off the counter and immediately started filling up on fruit. Once she had a handful she stopped. She shuffled over to where all the chatter and liveliness was. Charlie sat in his usual spot across from her and he was in the midst of a heated discussion over which basketball team would make it to the playoffs.

"See, you don't know want you're talking about. I know my shit." He said digging his fork into the eggs on his plate. "Charlie, language." Their mother gave him a severe look. He just smiled and nodded, continuing his conversation with their…. "Hello, Daniel." Maddie said flatly. He was her stepfather, well her and Charlie's. She has known him all her life, but up until recently they had become estranged. Her younger sister sat on his lap while she tore her French toast into pieces. "Stop, Dru." Daniel said smiling as he took the plate from the 7 year old. The miracle baby she was. A lost egg rediscovered by doctors. It was all her family talked about for months after she was implanted into a surrogate and after her birth. The Winters and Romalotti miracle.

" _A blessing from my mother,"_ Mattie's mom had said once she held the tiny thing. Mattie loved her sister, she truly did, but she couldn't help be envious of her as well. It was something she had to deal with on her. Another flaw of hers. Lucy sat in the spot next to Mattie. That seat had been empty for a few years now. It felt almost weird having it occupied again, but she was happy Lucy was back. She missed her sister. The only thing that truly worried her was the friendly competition that always happened between them whenever they got together. It was fun for the most part. Right now though, she just wanted a sister.

"Turn that up." Lily ordered and Charlie complied.

" _It seems that one of the residents living in the apartment complex behind me was brutally attacked by an assailant that somehow got inside. The victim's name nor has the assailant's been released."_

Mattie's throat tighten and made it hard for her to swallow the square cut cantaloupe that was currently lodged in her throat. Lucy gave her look and she shook her head. Charlie watched them both closely. "Oh, my God!" They heard from her mom. Lily's eyes fell onto the girls. "Do you know who was attacked? Were you there?" Daniel was now staring at both of his girls with eyes that made it difficult to deceive. So Mattie decided to tell the truth. Well...half of the truth.

"I was there, but I didn't see or hear anything, but the sirens after it happened." Mattie responded through a mouthful of strawberries. She took a sip of water. Her mother looked physically ill. Mattie reached out to take her hand. "I'm okay mom. I promised I wasn't there." That seemed to ease the tension a bit. Charlie didn't seem to buy it though and politely told her so once the table was cleared and breakfast was over.

"You're so full of shit. I swear all you know is how to lie these days." He said trying to hurt her, which it did. She entrusted him with some her most deepest and ugliest secrets. Things she was even afraid to say aloud. She hated herself for telling him. He always made her feel the things she tried her hardest to keep away. "This coming from the guy who still hasn't told mom about his illegal drag racing." Mattie knew their mother would freak if she found out so she made sure that she never did and that Charlie was always safe. Their dad could keep a secret though. Charlie rolled his eyes and waved off her tiresome threat. She used that one so often he expected it now. It was like a tit for tat. He would bring up something she kept hidden and she would do the same. The only difference was that Charlie was way more private with his secrets. Even when it came to her. He would share certain things, small things, like how he felt the first time he got high. He didn't like the feeling it gave him, he loved the feeling of losing control and testing the boundaries. Which is how he found his love for drag racing. They were really close and at times Mattie was afraid that one day they would lose that bond they developed. Growing up eventually meant growing apart. Especially since he was still going to school and she had dropped out a month back to pursue modeling. Something her parents didn't know. "Who was it? And were they hurt?" Charlie asked while making sure the coast was clear. Lucy was showing Daniel and their mom some photos from her trip. Something else Mattie envied, but she couldn't leave Genoa City. Not even for the right price. She was needed here. So she would stay until the time was right. "Katie and not too bad physically, but who knows where head is at." She said with a sigh. Charlie just stared at the plate in his hand. At a lost for words. Mattie dropped the rest of the dishes into the dishwasher **.** "Damn." He finally said putting the plate in his hands inside the dishwasher as well.

"She going to be alright?"

"I don't know."

 **Part II**

The night of Johnny's club opening was like a dream and a nightmare all wrapped up into one. Mattie decided to take Lucy as her date. The auburn beauty was restless waiting for Katie to open the door and talk to her. The Abbott princess hadn't been seen outside her apartment since the attack. Which was understandable since it was only like 2 days ago, but it was still troubling. Even more so since the guy that attacked was released, then somehow attacked by an unknown group of vigilantes. Mattie knew who exactly beat that guy within an inch of his life and put him in a medically induced coma. Mattie had been keeping up with his prognosis ever since he was admitted. Afraid that she would wake up next to a killer.

Johnny had been sleeping over since the attack. Leaving his apartment across town an empty untouched shell of its former days. She liked the feeling of having someone beside her. The warmth that other body brought and the reassurance she wasn't alone. Who knew a prince of ice could give off such a fiery presence? One that was cold to the touch and yet somehow still burned you. This would bring nothing, but trouble though. She was playing with a cold fire that would soon engulf them both if she wasn't careful. Sex and love were two different things. She didn't want their past feelings to get in the way of something that was temporary. He knew they didn't work or at least she hoped he did. Their passion was destructive. It would hurt them and anyone too close to get caught in the crossfire. A casualty of war, Johnny use to say whenever they had one of their big blow outs in front of their friends. She liked it at the time, but now things were different. She was different.

Lucy wore a charcoal backless fitted dress that really showed off her long muscular legs. Her skin was glowing and her red hair was huge curly mess, but it suited her. She looked amazing. Mattie swallowed hard when she entered the room. "You look beautiful." She said watching as Lucy tore through her closet trying to find the perfect heels to go with it. She stopped for a second to raise her head. Staring up at Mattie she smiled. "So do you, Minnie." Mattie gave her a appreciative smile, but she didn't see it. She was wearing a two piece strapless white bodycon dress with some nude pumps. She was shorter than Lucy so her legs looked stumpy to her. The extra weight Lucy had gain hugged her curves beautifully, whereas any extra pound Mattie gained made her feel slightly obese. If she was going to be a successful model in Genoa City, she had to look and be as good as her mom did back in her days. She strived for that success. Lucy achieved that overseas, but not yet in the states. Mattie knew she could. She just had to book a few more jobs where she would get noticed by someone important and her career would skyrocket. She also had to keep this secret from her parents for a little while longer.

The White Knight grand opening was nothing Mattie had expected, but she knew when it came to Johnny she shouldn't be surprised. He always outdid himself. The line to enter was wrapped around the block. She felt some pleasure in being a VIP and skipping the line to go straight inside. The lights were dimmed to create the right mood. Dancers each had a pole to showcase their talents while the alcohol was flowing. Mattie spotted Katie immediately. She was the only woman receiving a lap dance from one of the dancers. She seemed somewhat her old self as she slipped a twenty dollar bill into the g-string of the curvaceous brown girl, who craved the attention. Lucy also noticed. She tried to shrug it off like it was nothing, but Mattie could see it was. She understood being afraid of getting hurt by the person you loved. She was terrified of letting Johnny in again. He was unpredictable and reckless. Knowing all that still made her attracted to him. She couldn't deny that.

"Hey, Mattie," Connor said from beside her. "I wouldn't expect anything less from my cousin." He said taking in the lavish site of the strip club. "Long time no see, Newman." Lucy greeted from the other side of Mattie. Connor gave her a simple nod just before accepting a drink from a waitress. "Shall we?" Connor offered Mattie his arm. She accepted and let him pull her to the another section of the strip club which was more like a posh night club. _Rihanna's Diamonds_ played overhead. Connor twirled her around and pulled her back into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck while his hands rested her waist. Connor was a good friend of hers. He was dependable, practical, and overall just really good guy. He was someone Mattie should be with. He had once proposed the idea of them dating. They were freshmen at GCU and trying to find their footing. She guessed it was better being with a friend than being alone, but something in her declined his offer. It was that small part in her that still held out hope for Johnny. She did the right thing though. Their relationship would be nothing more than a farce. One held together by obligations. That wasn't something either of them needed.

"Are you hungry?" He whispered into her. The music now switched to a fast paced one. Giving the dancers something to dance to. "No, thank you. I'm not hungry." She replied with a tight smile. Her stomach said otherwise, but she got use to ignoring it. She was in charge. She decided when it was time to eat, not her body. "Okay, I'll get you a drink then." Connor walked away before she could decline that too. She looked around to see if she could find anyone she knew. After a minute she noticed Lucy talking to a familiar face. "Look who I found, Minnie." Lucy slapped her hand down onto Rory's shoulder. "Hey, Mattie." Rory gave her a nervous smile. "Hey, Ror." The guy before her was no longer the painfully awkward kid she knew growing up. He was always incredibly attractive with his dark brown wavy hair and unblemished skin, but with his new found confidence he was somehow sexier.

"Hey, I heard about the attack at your apartment complex." Mattie immediately looked at Lucy, who returned the look. "You two okay with staying there by yourselves?" Rory asked looking between the girls. Mattie released a sigh of relief. "Yeah we are, but we aren't actually alone. We do have slumber parties. Right, Lucy?" Mattie winked at her. Lucy smiled watching Rory become flustered. "We sure do. So don't worry Officer Maloy." Lucy said squeezing his face. He laughed with ease. "Hahaha. You two are hilarious. You should try stand-up." He said taking a sip of his drink. Mattie dropped her arm over Lucy's shoulder and Lucy did the same. "Haven't you heard? We quit the toxic world of modeling to go on tour as local comedians. Make sure to get yourself some tickets." Rory waved them off as he took another sip. It was the little moments like this that Mattie enjoyed. It made her feel like life wasn't as shitty as it seemed. "So Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, you seen Connor?" Mattie nodded over toward the bar. "Yeah, detective, he was getting me a drink." Rory took the last gulp of his drink and head over there. Mattie could feel Lucy's arm slip from her shoulder and looked up at her. "Of course she talks to him. I leave her over fifty texts and she won't even look at me." Lucy grumbled, biting her lower lip as she did. Moses was beside Katie talking to her. Katie looked happy to see him and he looked relieved to see she was okay. Mattie was happy for them both. They needed each other. She just didn't know whether it was in a codependent kind of way.

Mattie released her grip on her step-sister and grab a hold of her face. She forced Lucy to stare at her. "Go talk to her. Tell her how you feel. I may not be close with Katie anymore, but I know she still has feelings for you?" Mattie removed her hand from Lucy's face and pushed her forward, but she didn't budge. Mattie didn't understand. "It's not that easy, Mattie," Lucy finally said turning away from the path to Katie. "You can't just fix everything with a couple of words and promises." Mattie couldn't keep the confusion off her face.

"Why not?"

"Grow up. Stop being so damn naive."

"I'm not. I just don't understand why…"

"Why I can't talk to the girl I love? Because I fucked up. You know like how your dad fucked up when he walked out on your mom and ended up getting struck by that car."

As soon as the words left her mouth Mattie could see Lucy immediately regretted them, but it was too late. It was like Pandora's box. Once it was out you couldn't just fix the damage it did. Mattie didn't look back as she walked away nor did she stop when Lucy called her. She pushed through the growing crowd letting the music and conversations drown out the noise.

It wasn't hard to find Johnny. He was hiding out in his office, but he wasn't alone. His uncle Adam was with him. He was actually the only other person from his family, besides Katie, that actually showed up. They were in the midst of shaking hands when Mattie walked in.

"It looks amazing out there, kid." Adam said squeezing his hand slightly. "It was all thanks to you, uncle Adam. Thank you for believing in me and investing." Johnny said, as his eyes flashed to Mattie. He was surprised by her presence. Adam smiled to himself as he acknowledged Mattie as well. "I guess I'll leave you to it." They disengaged their hands from one another. "See ya next time, Mattie," Adam said on his way out. "Good-bye, Mr. Newman" She said to his back. She turned her attention back to Johnny. Her emotions were in a way reflecting a storm slowly picking up its pace. A whirlwind of dark gray and black hues hitting the insides of her until she had to hold her breath. Holding back the emerging emotions that begged to be released. No. She was in control and she would keep calm.

"I guess I should say congratulations on a great opening." Mattie said moving around the lavishly decorated office. He watched her silently for a moment. Unsure of how to proceed. She stared at a black and white portrait that adorn his black lacquered wall. It was of the Santa Monica pier on a rainy day. She lingered on this one portrait for sometime. "'You guess'?" He finally asked breaking the silence, because he could no longer take it. She swallowed the overwhelming emotions that the portrait almost brought to the surface. "Did you take this?" She asked instead. He raised his eyes to that picture she was referring to then back down to her. "You can't answer a question with a question." She felt herself smiling and let a tiny smile spread across her lips. "I think I just did. So are you going to answer me or not?" She questioned while her fingers danced across the top of his desk. She was moving closer to him like he was a magnet and she was the unconscious object being pulled toward him. "Are you going to answer me?" He replied letting a smile spread across his lips as well. This time she laughed. "Touche"

She moved closer to him like moth to a flame. She knew that was such a cliche thing to think, but it was the truth. One touch it all burned away. He didn't say a word and instead just watched her quietly work her way over. Something about the games they played excited him. "It's too bad your parents didn't come to see how amazing tonight turned out." She said licking her lips. She was now standing before him. Innocently looking up into the dark stormy blue eyes that always ensnared her. "Oh, they came by. Just earlier. My mother didn't want my dad to be here when the girls got up on stage. She said something about him never coming home again." This time Johnny smiled to himself as he remembered it. She was now only a foot away and her skin felt alive with electricity. She now touched the collar of his white suit jacket. He held his breath for a second as she reached up and let the tips of her fingers brushed across the marvelous bone structure of his face. He shut his eyes and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss the soft purple outline of a past black eye. His skin was afire with all the demons he kept hidden from all. Protecting them from all the dangers he brought. He was a mystery, one Mattie always felt like solving, but let her fear of losing control stop her from delving to deep.

He threw her against the wall and tore the bottom half of her dress. Edging his hard dick closer to the tight grasp of her vagina. Once he freed himself from the restraints of his white pants he plunged into the tight wetness that gripped him so well. In his mind this was his. To think of another man being inside of her angered him and with that frustration he drove himself deeper inside. Mattie let out a moan of pleasure. She loved when he lost control within her. It was exhilarating and so enticing. Her hands gripped his blonde waves and pulled his head back. Her tongue traveled along the curves of his neck tasting the pain and richness. This brought a weakness to him. One he only allowed to her. Their sex was occasionally like a clash of a power struggle between them and in the end when they both climax the struggle was no more. Mattie always felt like a piece of her was gone after she let him inside. It was like he stole something from her like the young criminal who stole her heart all those years ago. Something she willing gave though. So what did that make her? A victim of her own weakness? She just wished the pleasures of them being together lasted longer than it actually did.

Johnny's phone started to vibrate. Mattie looked up at him. His back was turned to her. Facing the portrait she had asked about. She dug her hand into the pants pocket it was inside and read the text message. She didn't know why she did such an impulsive thing, but now it was too late. His iPhone went crashing into the glass of the black and white portrait of the Santa Monica pier. Shattering the glass into thick jagged shards. The screen on his phone also cracked. She was satisfied with both outcomes. He jumped. The shock it sent him had fear pulsating throughout his body. He looked at her like she was crazy. "I didn't know you were still fucking other bitches when you were with me." She yelled as she grabbed for her bra and panties. He put out the cigarette that was in his hand. "What the hell are you talking about?" He said, letting the anger now fill him. This dance was always the same with them. It wasn't new. It was always expected after the short periods they got together. "I'm talking about the bitch that just texted you. You've been talking to her while we've been…" She couldn't find the right words for what they were doing. She honestly didn't know. "I can talk to any other bitch I want to. We aren't together, Mattie. Remember that's what you wanted. So don't take your shit out on me." Johnny said shoving his legs into his pants. "I can't believe I let you fuck me...again!" Mattie grab the last of her things and headed for the door. "You weren't complaining when I was balls deep in you." He shouted out after her. A few heads turned when she opened the door. Shame filled the empty parts of her. The parts anger had yet to take over. Laughter could be heard from the distance.

"I knew it!" Katie said as she laughed harder.

Mattie headed for the exit. "Mattie!" She heard her name being called from the distance. She pushed her way through the crowd. Now running from the sound of shuffling feet that followed her. Bumping into a girl. A former classmate of hers. "I'm sorry." Mattie said helping the girl to her feet. Before she ran for the door.

"What the hell is your problem?!" She stopped at the sound of Johnny's voice. Tears fell freely now. She shook her head, more ashamed of herself. "I honestly don't know. I just thought…" She let her words be lost in the night. She silently cursed herself for doing this to herself. She wasn't healed. Her heart was too fractured, but she hoped he could fix that. He simply made it worst and that was on her. "You just thought what?" He said softer this time. Crossing the space between them while also leaving a little for her to not feel smothered. "I just thought being with you would make the pain go away. That it would fill the emptiness inside of me. I feel so alone all the time. Where were you?" She was breaking now. The walls she had built up all these years after the baby. "What?" He asked with nothing, but pure confusion on his face. "Where were you? I needed you that day and you weren't there." The confusion cleared up and he now understood what she was talking about. His face turned into stone. A marble white rock of no emotion. "I didn't have an abortion. I was going to keep it, but it rejected me as its mother. I had a miscarriage that day in front of the clinic. I was alone and scared. And you weren't there. Where were you?" Her hands pounded against his chest. Tears streamed down her face. She didn't care though. Nothing mattered in this moment. She had lost control and let the flood of emotions rock her tiny brown body. "Mattie, I…" he was choked with emotion. Something she wasn't use to. She dropped her fists and took a step back. Seeing tears fall down his own face. "I couldn't be there for you. I just couldn't." And just like she walked away from the boy she loved. Leaving him alone in the middle of the street silently crying.

 **Part III**

It was 4am and she sat on the cool wet grass in front of her father's headstone.

 _ **In loving memory of**_

 _ **Cane Ashby**_

 _ **A**_

 _ **Husband & Father**_

 _ **May he rest in peace**_

Her fingers followed the bumps and curves of every letter. Releasing a sigh as she did. The sound of footsteps caught her off guard. She was surprised to see it was Daniel. "What are you doing out here?" She asked him coldly. Feeling like he was intruding in a place he didn't belong. He lift the flowers in his hand. "It's the anniversary of his death. Isn't it? I just came to leave these like I always do." Mattie look back down at the fading white roses that were all but wilted. "So you're my dad's secret admirer. I've always wondered who was leaving flowers. I knew it wasn't my mom. She hasn't been out here in years. Neither has Charlie. They forgot about him. I haven't, though." She placed a hand atop of his headstone. Daniel bent down and put the fresh bouquet of white roses in the place of the old ones. "They haven't forgotten about him, Mattie. They just moved on, but it's also too hard for them to hold on like you. That pain and anger you leech onto, that you let grow within you, aren't you tired of it?" His words struck a nerve. She wasn't just angry at Johnny for abandoning her all those years, but she was angry at the ghost of her father. "He left me all alone. I don't know how to face this world with him not being in it. I hate him for leaving me. He left me and I don't think I can ever forgive him for that." Daniel's arms were now cradling his step-daughter, embracing the pain and the tears she let fall against him "I'm so tired, Daddy." He just held her making sure she knew he wasn't going to leave her. "I know you are. I know you."


	4. Chapter 4

" **Connor"**

Mornings always started out the same at Connor's house. The shouting, the front door slamming, and the sound of his father's Mercedes-Benz backing out the driveway. Christian found ways to block out the nuisance of their parent's volatile marriage. He had his books and his Bella. She kept Connor's younger brother occupied like no other. Always creating some sort of trouble for them to get into. Bella had become banned from the house for trying to sneak Christian and herself into the White Knight. When their mom found out she nearly flew into rage. Funny, how their dad was the only person to keep her calm. They were like that. The love was there, but so was the hate. Connor recognized the same toxicness in Mattie and his cousin Johnny's relationship. He didn't understand why she couldn't see where their future ultimately ended. In a codependent relationship with nothing left between them, but a couple of kids, who would prefer them to just end it. That's how Connor saw his parent's relationship. The overwhelming layers they once had unraveled into a knotted mess of reds and oranges. Struggling for dominance over the other. He never understood the need for love. A mutual attraction and an understanding of the other person was just as good. That's how successful relationships lasted. He had that with Mattie. They had no expectations of the other and enjoyed each other's company. No love was needed. She was just too hung up on Johnny to ever give him a real chance.

Classes had been back in session for a few months now. Connor enjoyed school. He was good at it. School wasn't the problem for him. The competition his grandfather instilled in him and Katie was. Katie had become disillusioned by the old man for some time now. She saw the great and power Victor Newman for who he really was. A ingenious puppet master that made the people he claimed to love dance to a beautifully crafted tune of his own making. Connor knew this. He heard the stories, but he couldn't let the old man down. There was something so powerful about making Victor Newman proud. So much so he craved for it and like most things Newman related that wasn't a good thing.

"Put that out, I hate the smell." Christian said frowning. Connor looked at the newly lit cigarette and sighed. He grabbed the oddly shaped clay pottery he fashioned as a child. "So what is it that you're showing me? I do have a life I have to get back to." Connor watched his younger brother put the finishing touches on the vibrant colored robot he had built. Christian had a knack for building and fixing things ever since he was a child. Their mom always feared he would be electrocuted whenever he touched the toaster. One wrong wire and her precious baby would be literal toast. Connor just watched him. He wasn't afraid for him. Christian was the bravest of them and Connor admired that. "Made a new toy I see." Connor chuckled as he fished into his pocket for another cigarette. Christian glanced up at him. "Another minute gone." Connor paused before he lit this cigarette. "What?" He asked with the end between his lips. Christian was silent for a moment. He put the last few touches onto his robot and then look up. "Another minute gone from your life. Each time you smoke you basically take a couple minutes off of your life. I suspect Katie and Johnny already lost those precious minutes." He said with a sigh. Connor nodded gingerly and stuffed the cigarette back into his pack. He was lightheaded, but continued watching his brother until he was finished. Connor looked over the finished product with a dull expression.

"It looks fine, Christian." He reassured his little brother. He knew he was looking for any mistakes in his craftsmanship. He was a very detailed guy. "I don't know if I like the color. Maybe I should start over." Connor could hear the apprehension in his voice. He grabbed the robot and controller from his brother. Snatching it with a quick ease. "Connor? I'm not finished!" He pretended to not hear him and headed for the door. "It looks done to me," Connor said over his shoulder. Christian followed him closely. "No. It's not right.". From there the chase pursued.

Once the blunt touched his lips he was immediately intoxicated by the taste of it. His ability to process things became a lot slower and his nerves more at ease. He smiled down at it when it came time to pass it. "Good shit." He heard himself say. Which got a laugh out of Charlie. "How can you already be high? We just started smoking." Charlie just shook his head in disbelief at the sight of his friend. Connor gladly took back the blunt to get his hit. "Maybe, cause I don't smoke like I use to." He stopped altogether and went cold turkey. He needed to focus when it came to school. He couldn't fall behind and disappoint his grandfather. As much as he hated the competition, he loved the attention it brought him and how proud his father was of him. He knew of his father's insecurities as a Newman bastard. So seeing his child be the pride and joy of an old man with about as much love in him as an ant, gave his dad a feeling of triumph. Where as his uncle Nick and aunt Victoria didn't need their children to jump through hoops to impress their father. They were satisfied with the normalcy their kids brought. Faith was a thriving junkie and still her father looked upon her as something so precious. Pity was a sickness and self pity was a weakness. One he tried his best to not have. There was no place for self pity in a Newman. Only greatness.

"How's Mattie doing?" He let the question slip through their casual conversation. Charlie's facial expression changed. He sat across from Connor on his bed. A basketball ball in his hand. Connor felt a bit uneasy from his spot on the large black moon chair. He felt like he was intruding for some reason. Mattie and Charlie had been his best friends all his life, but even some things weren't meant for his knowledge. Then suddenly Charlie exhaled a shallow breath. "Mattie had a relapse, but thankfully it was able to help her open up to what was going on." Connor knew of Mattie's problems. She use to confide in him when they were in high school. She scared him at times at how she used to talk about her body and ambitions to be good as her mother. "I want to be as beautiful as her, Connor." She would say to him. He didn't understand it though because she was already so beautiful, but it wasn't enough. "Did you know she was pregnant?" Charlie asked in a smaller voice as if he was afraid someone might hear. The news of this shocked Connor. He just shook his head and let him continue. "Well, she was and ever since our dad died, it has been like some kind of trigger for her and when she lost the baby it made it all worse. Not like being with Johnny helped any." Charlie stared down at the brown tattered rug that had been in his room since they were kids. Connor didn't know what to say to that, so instead he did what he was good at in times of distress. Talk.

"I met this one girl at Crimson Lights. Sexy as ever. Her hair was as black as night and her skin smooth like silk." Connor was good at this. Using words to make the awkward silences feel less awkward and ease the tension. He was good at convincing others their problems weren't as bad as they thought or that they didn't matter in this moment. They always got so caught up with what he was saying that they would forget their worries. He became good at it from years and years of diffusing the escalated hostility between his parents. He was probably the only six year old who was able to calm his parents down and get them laughing with a story about Christian peeing on his sandcastle to fill the moat. Overtime they just grew more and more bitter and harder to help. "So what happened between you and her?" Charlie asked, relieved by the change in topic. His eyes were back on Connor and a easy smile settled on his lips. His smooth brown skin seem to glisten with a bit of sweat. It was oddly hot today, Connor thought to himself. "Nothing. She turned her head and I saw it was Rory's little sister, April." Connor said taking in his words with a smile. Charlie busted out laughing. "Man, she's like what? Fourteen?" Connor let a smile spread across his face. "She's sixteen!" He retorted, still laughing at the fact. Charlie shook his head. It was so easy talking to him. Connor loved that their friendship had nothing to do with his family. When they were together he could forget everything. All the fights, all the stuff with school, and even the nagging voice of his grandfather's in his head wearing him down. It was like he was in another place. One far away from all the troubles Newmans brought.

As always he was early. He couldn't be late or even skip like Katie. He never could. This was his first class of the day and Connor chose to be here even before the professor. He always chose the same seat. It gave him the best view. He could hear better from this seat. See better too. He knew that last one sounded crazy, but for him it was true. Suddenly, his phone vibrated. It only did that for one reason and one reason only. He received an email. One he had been expecting. On his computer he went straight to his inbox. His eyes ran across the thin lines of the paragraph he had received. He absorbed each one like a dehydrated man out in the desert getting a glass of ice cold water for the first time in weeks. What he didn't know is that the water had scorpions in it. Each word stung stronger than the last. Finally after reading the email he sat back in chair. "I didn't get in." He said aloud. His mind was buzzing with the after effects the email gave him. Rejection wasn't something familiar to a Newman. Neither was turning your back on the family business. Even when his father spent years as an outsider to his family's company he remained somewhat loyal. Connor wasn't raised on the outside. All he knew was the plan. A plan he didn't map out for himself. Business school, an internship at Newman Enterprises, then work his way up until he became CEO. He never thought of changing the plan. That was until Charlie submitted his sketches for a art program in Manhattan. He didn't even know Charlie had done it until he started receiving email from the program. Connor was pissed at first, but somewhere deep down a part of him was excited about the possibilities. A very small part of him. He was almost ashamed of that part. He wasn't good enough. Nothing he did was ever good enough. Not even a few drawings that took up less time than some paper.

He hadn't noticed when the class started to fill with the clamoring students, who made the comforting silence slip away. Connor swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and logout of his email account. He couldn't bare to reread the first two again. His professor walked over to the podium. Her bright red thermos in her right hand and a brown manilla folder in the other. Her lips started to part and then began moving at rapid pace. Connor couldn't focus on any of it. His mind was elsewhere. He just couldn't focus on anything. So instead of wasting her time and his, he grabbed his things and left. Nobody noticed the dark haired Newman kid leaving. No one ever noticed.

The brown leather ball hit the edge of the ring and repelled back toward him. His hands found their way around it. Gripping way harder than he intended. He released the basketball from his grip. It bounced off the asphalt back into his hands. His head was a mess. He couldn't think straight. Anger consumed his every thought. As well as a toxic insecurity. His silly childish drawings weren't good enough. That stung more than he would like to admit. His mind buzzed with the overwhelming feelings. The sound of the backdoor opening and closing caught his attention. Connor loosened his grip on the ball, lift his head and smiled.

"Hey, dad," he said with ease.

It was one he had learned to perfect over the years. His father, Adam Newman gave him a warm smile and nodded toward the ball. Connor tossed it to him and watched as his father shot the ball into the hoop effortlessly. "I'm heading out of town for a business trip. So you'll officially be the man of the house again." Connor gave him tight nod in response. He was always the "man of the house", even while his father was in Genoa City. His mother and brother were his responsibility. Always have been. This wasn't new. His father seemed oblivious to this fact. Or maybe he enjoyed playing ignorant to the fact. "How long will you'll be gone this time?" Adam looked down at his watch and picked up his briefcase. He was becoming impatient. "Just for a couple of days. Nothing major. Just tying up some loose ends on a deal Abby made. She doesn't seem to be getting a grip on her demotion." He sighed. Adam was the CEO of Newman Enterprises, he wasn't Connor's first choice, which was actually his aunt Victoria and second was his uncle Nick. It was hard for the old man when it came time for him to retire. It was much more difficult for him to let go of a company he built, than it was for him to bury the love of his life. He had a choice between Abby or Adam. Connor could see the difficulty in picking between the two, but then again it wasn't up to his grandfather. It was up to the board and Victoria and Nick wanted no part in it. They had been given up on the fight for that title and ventured out on their own. Connor respected them for that and wished he had half the bravery they did. "I can't wait until you're there. I need someone I can trust." He winked at him before heading toward the gate. _Still chasing ghosts, old man?_ The thought followed the matte black Ferrari that backed out of the driveway. Connor picked up the ball and tossed it at the gate.

"Hey!" the voice shouted from the other side. The gate opened and Rory stepped through it. "Is that how you greet a friend, Newman?" Connor sighed. He wasn't in the mood for Malloy, but he wasn't about to send him on his way. He had want Connor so desperately needed. "Were not friends." Connor said through clenched teeth. Watching as Rory came closer. He smiled, amused by it all. "Really? Then I guess I can just take my shit and go. If that's what you really want." Rory turned to leave. His games were irritating. Connor blew his breath and said, "Hold on." Rory stopped almost immediately and turned back around. His weasel grin slapped on his face. He knew Connor couldn't resist. "I knew you couldn't see me go. It's your lucky day, Newman. I have a two for one deal." Rory said pulling out the small plastic bag of white chalky pills. Connor so desperately wanted them. He also had another plastic bag. The pills in the other bag were no more than five. "What's in the other bag?" Connor asked taking his usual from Rory. He held the bag higher for Connor. The grin on his face grew bigger. "I'm glad you asked."

After hearing what they were Connor had to laugh and wave him off. Rory was dealing some heavy shit. Connor decided he would just stick to his Ritalin. Finals would be coming up. He needed to cram. His phone lit up. He picked it up to see who was calling and saw that it was Charlie. A sick feeling sat in his chest. He was angry. He knew it wasn't Charlie's fault. He believed in him and his artwork. So much so he submitted it. Connor loved that he did. He wasn't brave enough to do it for himself, but because of him he was now considered a failure. So he sent him straight to voicemail. He knew Charlie's big race was tonight. They were best friends and he should be there. Instead Connor decided to hold onto the little bit of self loathing and resentment that clung to him, making it easier for him to shut Charlie out. Instead he went down his contact list, skipping over Faith with a quickness, while pausing on Mattie. He wish he could call her and talk to her. He missed his friend, but the thought of tangling himself in the drama of her fragile mental state scared him. He wasn't good with helping actual broken people. He was just better at putting tape over the damage and cleaning up the mess long enough for it to seem passable. So instead he went further and landed on a name he forgot he had in his phone. He never talked to this person. He couldn't even remember why he got her number, but nevertheless he dialed it. "Hey, Tris… I was hoping you were free tonight."

 **Part II**

His heart was racing, it was like it was going to explode from his chest. He tried to stand perfectly still, like really still, but his nose itched and his mouth felt dry. He had to cough. He decided to lick his lips instead, maybe that would suffice. Connor tried to avoid Charlie's harsh gaze. He wasn't here for that. He had been ignoring him for the past week now and here he was with his dysfunctional family trying to get their annual photo taken. Charlie worked here part time. A debt he had been paying off since he was thirteen after breaking into the place. A silly thing he did on a dare. A dare Connor gave to him. The debt was paid off by now, but Charlie's relationship with the shop owner was one he desperately needed after the death of his father. This place was a godsend.

Now Connor wanted nothing more than to escape the smothering enclosed area. His dad stood to his right and his mother to his left, with Christian right beside him. Those brown eyes wouldn't leave his face.

 _Snap_

Another shot was taken. The one to probably replace the one hanging above their fireplace. One full of false smiles and hidden secrets of true contempt. Christian started to fidget and their mom noticed. "I think it's time for a break." Their dad nodded. "Yeah, how about we go get something to eat." He said placing a gentle hand on Connor's shoulder. He gave him a tight lipped smile. "Yeah." They left the shop and Charlie behind. Walking out into the cool air of the afternoon breeze made it all easier. He finally felt as if he could breathe. His phone was blowing up. Fifteen new texts and six missed calls. They were all from Tris. He blew his breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Looks like you're having it rough. What's on your mind?" His dad asked him. His smile was a lot warmer than usual. Even more so when his mom came outside with Christian. "I just talked to Bernie and he said we have the perfect shots, so he's just going to send them to me after he's done. We can go now." Connor watched as his father bent over to kiss his mom. It was refreshing and with a love he hadn't seen in a really long time. "That's great, hun. But I was just asking Connor if everything was alright." All their eyes turned to him. "Connor, are you okay?" His mom placed a hand on his face. Feeling for a fever. He moved his head. Resisting her motherly tendencies. "I'm fine." He lied. It was so easy to say those two words. _I'm fine._ Nobody ever questioned whether you were really fine. They took it at face value, because they couldn't deal with it if you weren't fine. They need for you to be okay, it makes them feel better about themselves. As if they did something right. Connor's parents smiled and accepted his answer. They went to Crimson Lights to get lunch. It was actually fun. There were no fights or awkward silences. It was like a dream, one Connor had for many years. In his dream they were like the families on TV sitcoms. Hilariously dysfunctional with the drama of a normal family turned into something much bigger and at the end of the day the love was always there. A dream it was. Now he was living out that very dream. They were laughing and joking. A world away from their problems. Connor and his parents listened to Christian's talk in depth about the robotics competition happening between the freshman engineers. He was excited to see what everyone came up with, but also more excited to "whoop some robot's ass". Connor shook his head. "You're such a nerd." Christian scoffed, but also apologized to their mom for the language when she gave him a weary look. Connor was too afraid to breathe. He was afraid that if he would make one wrong move that all the threads holding them together would loosen. Then slowly, but surely, their happy little dinner would turn into an all out war. One he would have to control, while Christian kept to himself, reading whatever book he secretly brought along. Burying his way into the fiction that could do him no harm. Connor wished he could escape, but he wasn't as lucky. This was his life and he knew his role. He was the glue that held them together. He accepted that a long time ago.

"Hey, guys?" Chelsea spoke up. Connor noticed the change in her tone almost immediately. He placed his fork on the side of his plate. Waiting for what was coming next. Christian didn't seem to notice and kept on like everything was just fine. "Your dad and I wanted to tell you something. This might come to a shock to you, but we know we haven't been the greatest parents." Adam placed his hands atop of hers. Connor noted this somewhere deep within. Lost in his own thoughts. Trying to make sense of what they were trying to tell him. Christian scoffed like the asshole he sometimes was. "You guys have been a real challenge I would say, but never boring at least." Connor snapped out of it for a second to elbow him. Their dad suppressed a laughed and covered it with a cough. "It's okay, Connor. He's right. We've tried and failed on numerous occasions to keep you two out of our problems. You've played peacekeeper for far too long." Their dad was now talking directly to Connor. He took a sip of his water, swishing it around his mouth trying to clean the bile that rose to the surface from his anxiety. "And? What are you trying to say?" Connor pressed. Wanting them to just rip the band-aid off.

"After almost twenty-two years of marriage, your mother and I decided to part on the best terms we could possibly imagine. This has been coming to a head for some time now. We love you guys so much. We're just not good together anymore." The band-aid was torn off and alcohol poured into the wound. Connor couldn't believe it. This was actually happening. He use to wish for his parents' divorce. Pray for it actually. Now that it was happening it was almost surreal. His chest seem to tighten a bit. Making it harder for him to take in air. He took another sip of water and dab at the corners of mouth before getting up. "I gotta study. Finals are right around the corner. So congrats on finally making it official, I guess." Connor didn't look back or stop even after hearing them call his name. He couldn't look at them. None of them. He didn't know where he was going, his feet led the way. They could be to the prescription pills he had hidden in the hollowed out book he made from the book his grandfather bought him or to Tris, the clinging desperate chick he fucked a couple times. He had no clue, but he didn't stop. Not until he was just outside his window. He dug around the perfectly trimmed lawn, feeling for the small metal key. He knew was somewhere amongst the rocks and dirt. Once he found it he unlocked the back door. The house was dark and quiet. Nobody was home or so he thought. Then he got to his room, second door to the right at the top of the stairs, a soft warm light streamed from the cracked door. It was completely silent and still Connor went ahead. Pushing the door open wider until he was bathed in the light. Charlie was sitting at his desk with his black and red _Beats_ headphones on. He was distracted by whatever it was he was doing on his laptop. Connor watched him for second. Grinning to himself. He was such an easy target. He slowly began to creep up him. Trying his best not to make a sound, as if that would somehow make a difference. Before he could make it over to him, Charlie shifted in his seat. Connor stopped for a second.

"What do you want, Connor?"

Connor was surprised by the deadpan tone he received. Charlie was obviously not happy to see him and Connor didn't blame him. He had been a real ass. Connor ran his hands through his hair. Not sure how to respond. He instead decided to focus on the miscellaneous decor. Finding the stuffed purple dragon smushed between the snow globe and traveling brochures. "Remember when you got this?" Connor's asked showing him the stuffed toy. One that marked their childhood. Charlie seemed unwilling to answer at first then sighed. "Yeah. You're mom made it for me. You had a silver lion and I was jealous of it." He said starting to smile to himself. Connor turned to face him. "So much so…" Connor trailed off letting Charlie finish it. He rolled his eyes. "So much so I borrowed your silver lion for a few days. Then my mom found it under my bed and made me give it back." His smile shifted and slowly dropped. He looked back up Connor, who was marveling at the purple dragon.

"You wouldn't talk to me for a week over that damn thing."

Connor placed the stuffed dragon back in his place. He stuffed his hands in his pocket and walked to the other side of Charlie's room. "I didn't get in." He said before releasing his own deep sigh. Charlie looked confused, but didn't say anything. He gave Connor all the time he needed to speak. "I didn't get into the stupid art program and I was mad at you for it. As if you were to blame for my own ineptitude." His eyes dropped to the hardwood floor and then he lift them back up to meet Charlie's cool brown ones. "Sorry."

He didn't see it coming and somehow he did. He wanted it like a ravenous bear in need of food. Their lips touched and parted, giving them enough room to explore one another. Charlie's breath tasted of spearmint and suddenly it became Connor's favorite flavor. One that was intoxicating. His hands immediately went to the edges of Charlie's shirt. Showcasing his experience and showing Charlie's lack of. His hands fumbled with Connor's, but Connor didn't mind. Once their skin was touching it made him become hard just from the thought alone. Charlie's lips were much softer than Connor's and yet his kisses were much rougher as if he was starved. Connor felt the same way. The taste of him was a desire Connor had for some time. He didn't know when his feelings for his best friend went from platonic to something more. He just knew he was tired of running from them. His hand rose to caress Charlie's neck. The electricity that came from each touch they shared excited Connor more than he knew possible. It was a rush and all happening so fast. As that thought slipped its way out, the heat between them died. Charlie rolled over to the other side. Out of breath and disheveled. Connor bit his lower lip and sat up on his forearm.

"I…" he didn't know what he was trying to say.

His thoughts were a jumbled mess and his tongue wasn't working. He tried again, but nothing came out. He just stared at Charlie, who wouldn't make eye contact. The rush was gone and so was Connor. He placed a cigarette between his bruised lips. Stained with kisses that tasted of mint. He wondered could anyone notice the difference between a kiss of lust versus one of love. He honestly didn't know the difference.

 _What was love?_

 _And how does one contain it long enough to find out?_

 _Was it like drowning? Your lungs burned from trying to breathe and your chest constricted causing the pain almost unbearable until you were able to breathe once more._

 _Was that would it be like being with Charlie?_

Connor wondered, as he touched his lips. They felt different. Good. He almost skipped inside the house until he remembered he was walking back into a broken home. The air felt different. It was as if a dark stormy cloud sat above the roof of the house. One that made him feel heavier as he entered. It was quite. Never good. It either meant his mother was alone drunk in her room and their dad gone or a big fight happened and they were fighting elsewhere. He shook his head. That was the past. There would no longer be fights, shattered picture frames, or punched walls. When Connor got to the top of the stairs, it confirmed what he already knew. There time as a dysfunctional family was over. Now was the beginning of a family torn in half. Connor moved past his mother's room and went straight to Christian's. He was of course still up. Tinkering away with his robot. Connor tapped at the door, waiting for Christian to either respond or look up. He did neither. Connor pushed the door open. "You're up late." Connor noted while moving over to the navy blue bedspread. When Christian didn't respond Connor threw a balled up orange construction paper at his head. He didn't even seemed bothered by it. The paper rebound off his dark brown hair and onto the floor. After a few minutes of silence Christian stopped what he was doing. "You're not going to leave, right?" He asked in voice barely above a whisper. Connor smiled. This was actually the main reason he had decided against moving into the Ice Castle. He knew how much his little brother needed him and in a way Connor needed him just as much. They were connected and Connor would use every fiber of his being to protect him from harm. He just couldn't protect him from this. "Nah. I'm not going anywhere."

 **Part III**

A week had past and still no word from Charlie. It was like he went into hiding. Connor started to feel anxious. He didn't know how it would be when they saw each other again. He didn't know what to say to him and Moses wasn't helping.

They sat across from each other in Moses' apartment. His place was surprisingly basic. The color scheme was mostly earth tones. His sofa was a dark chocolate color and the rug next to it was a moss color. His flat screen TV was mounted against the wall, with a narrow bookcase beside it. A bunch of picture frames clung to the wall to the left of it. Mostly of his family, but also of Katie and him. Connor wondered when he would let that obsession he had with her go. Then again, who was he to judge. Connor had been here plenty of times, but it still gave him pause at how truly simple Moses was. The only extravagant item he had inside the living room was the grand piano he received from his uncle Tucker on his ninth birthday. A music prodigy he was, but still he struggled with doing what he wanted. When you have parents like ours it was never a easy thing.

"So was she sexy?"

Moses sat up in the burnt red lounge chair. Connor pretended he didn't hear him. He had made sure he took a couple of the Ritalin he scored from Rory so he would be wide awake for this study session he had with Moses, but it was becoming difficult to concentrate. "I mean was she bad or _bad_?" Connor chewed on his lower lip not making eye contact. He knew it was stupid telling Moses about his hookup with Charlie. He just needed someone to talk to. Mattie wasn't around and Christian wouldn't care about any of it. He of course made sure to not tell Moses who "they" were. Charlie was struggling with this. He knew that without even talking to him. So he wouldn't out him. Especially not to his uncle. But that didn't mean he couldn't out himself. "He." Connor corrected. Moses looked up from his economics book.

"What?"

"You said she, but it's he. It was a he. The guy I hooked up with was a guy."

Connor looked up at him. Moses stared back in silence. Probably trying to gather his thoughts. Connor wondered what was going on in his head. Moses slowly smiled and nodded to himself. "So was he bad or _bad_?" Connor shook his head and got up. "What?! I just wanna know."

"So I heard you like dick. Welcome to the club." Katie said smirking.

News of Connor's extracurricular activities spread. Thanks to his cousin. Katie's sexuality was one that confused him. He assumed she was bisexual, but it was more complicated. She was so open when it came to whomever she decided to hook up with. He admired that about her. "I always new one of uncle Adam's sons would be gay." She said with absolute pleasure. She was enjoying this. While Connor was growing more and more agitated. He hadn't slept an ounce for the past two days, Charlie wouldn't return his phone calls, and his finals were coming up. Katie was making things worse. "I can't believe you told her." Connor chided a guilty looking Moses. "I just assumed it would be Christian. Not because of the Aspergers. He just seemed to have a little more sugar in his tank than you. Guess I was wrong." Katie continued. This time Moses looked at her. Throwing a wadded ball of paper in her direction. It of course missed.

"Christian doesn't have Aspergers." Connor's eyes fell on Moses, who did his best to keep his eyes on his work. "I don't know why I'm surprised you told her. You tell her everything, except your true feelings for her. Then again she already knows and likes using that for her own benefits."

Connor didn't know why he let Katie get the best of him, it was just he had to study and he was tired. Things at home weren't the same. His dad moved out once the news of their divorce spread. His mom started drinking, heavily. He had to take care of her and Christian. Things were a mess. Also, not being able to talk to Charlie or Mattie made it worse. Katie lightly kicked his head with her black sock. "Be nice." Connor ignored her and decided to gather his things. "Oh, c'mon man. You don't have to go. Katie was joking. Right?" Moses said turning his attention back to an aloof Katie. She sighed and flipped the page of her magazine. She looked up, feeling Moses eyes bore into hers. Her eyes found Connor, who gave her a taunting smirk as he waited for her to speak. "Aren't you late for work? I know my brother must be wondering where you are." Katie tapped a sharp rose gold acrylic nail onto her apple watch. Moses looked at his own watch and cursed under his breath. "She's right. I told Reed and Ana I would be there an hour earlier than I'm scheduled to help set up. They're recording this new band today." Connor glared at her and Katie returned the smirk. Moses quickly grabbed his thing and headed for the door. "See y'all later. Don't fuck up my shit and Katie keep Faith away from room. I keep the expensive shit in there." He closed the door behind him. Faith turned over onto her stomach. "I just love how you all act like I'm not here and as if I'm deaf." She put the blunt to her lips and inhaled. "Well, nobody asked you to come, hobo." Katie retorted.

Connor didn't even bother. He followed Moses' lead and got up to leave again. Katie ignored him as he did while Faith stopped him. He looked at his cousin with wide eyes. "I think it's pretty cool that you're gay. Love is love." Faith smiled and released the part of his arm she grabbed. She got back down to her spot on the floor staring up at him with soft eyes. Connor sighed. "I'm not giving you any money, Faith." Faith dropped the smiled and blew her breath.

"Also I'm not gay."

He could feel his eyelids getting heavier and needed the encircling darkness to stay away. Katie nor Faith had what he needed. His pills were gone and he needed to score some more.

He waited for Rory for like an hour before he showed up at their usual spot. His backyard. Connor was pissed to see him empty handed.

"Sorry. I don't have anything to keep you up. I have some killer…" Before Rory could finish that sentence Connor stopped him. "That's not what I need. We had an agreement. You keep scoring me what I need and I don't tell your dad his deputy son is selling drugs." Rory face shifted. Twisting into something much daunting. He put the baggie of pills back into his pocket. "And here I thought we were friends, Newman. Now if you go and tell my dad that I'll tell your mom that not only is her son a junkie hooked on Ritalin, but her husband has been cheating on her all this time. I'll even throw in the fact you've known about it and kept it a secret for the old man." It was Connor's turn to react badly to the threat. He took a step back from the young deputy. He didn't know when their relationship had become one made of secrecy and threats, but that's all it was now. They were both too proud to admit it, but the only thing that kept them in each other's orbit were drugs and secrets. "We were never friends, Malloy." Connor watched him nod and turn to go.

The sweat started at the top of his forehead. It poured down his face like drops of rain down a window pane. He didn't bother wiping it. He had to find something to keep the chills and the nausea at bay. Thankfully his mom and Christian had already left for the family dinner his grandfather hosted for them all. They couldn't see him like this. He had to pull it together. At least long enough to deal with a house full of Newmans. Suddenly there they were. Sitting on a shelf inside the medicine cabinet. He had promised himself he would no longer steal Christian's Ritalin. Their mom would become suspicious. Since she would know whether someone was taking it or not, because they all knew Christian sure didn't have ADHD. Another secret he kept.

He reached his right hand out and noticed the slight twitch in it. He pulled it back with his left hand and held it to his chest. I had to stop. This had to stop. He needed… What he needed was… He let his mind wander for a moment and without a second thought he reached inside the medicine cabinet. Grabbing Christians pills and taking as many as he needed to calm his nerves. The feeling was almost immediate. His body needed this. He knew he shouldn't have but as long as he could keep it together for one more night everything would be okay. He would go cold turkey tomorrow. He promised himself. A lie of course, but standing alone in the bathroom with no one to hear him. All he had to do was convince himself And Connor Newman was a talented liar.

The dinner was of course nothing he would wish on anyone. Connor sat across from Faith, who looked incredibly high. Her brother Noah sat beside her forcing her to drink plenty of water. Her parents looks embarrassed, but kept up a good happy farce. They were the second best actors after Connor's parents. Connor's grandfather sat at one end of the table with a look of admiration upon his face. Connor just rolled his eyes and took a sip of water. Katie and Johnny sat side by side laughing at whatever they were whispering to one another with their brother Reed and his family across from them. Christian was of course in his own world not giving anyone at the table his attention. So deeply immersed in one of his books he didn't even noticed the food their mother placed on his plate. She of course smiled and played the part of dutiful daughter in law. This was all just a show. One poorly scripted and badly acted.

 _I heard he let Charlie top._

 _What? Wow. What a lil bitch._

Connor's eyes grew with the words that seem to escape Johnny and Katie's lips. "What did you say?" He raised his voice. Katie and Johnny gave him a shared look of confusion.

"We didn't say anything." She replied.

His mouth felt as dry as sandpaper. He quickly took another sip of water. He now got the attention of his mother. "Honey, is everything alright?" Her words had a tinge of concern in them, but even he could tell she was afraid he would ruin their performance. His dad was away again on some business trip. So it was up to her to make sure Christian said his "thank yous" and interacted with the rest of the family. Connor was never a problem. He always played his part perfectly. He had mastered it over the years, but now he was forgetting his lines. He shrugged and took another sip of water.

His heart began to pace. It was pounding so hard he could hear it in his own ears. He raised his hand up to his chest. It was like his heart was going to fall out of his chest. His hand couldn't contain it. He had to loosen his tie and dab his forehead with the napkin his forks lay upon. "I can't breathe," he said no louder than a whisper.

"I can't breathe." He said a little louder this time. The table took notice. The sound of plates crashing caught them off guard and got everyone to their feet. Connor was now on the floor clawing at his shirt. Tearing the buttons off until the cool air hit the exposed skin. "Oh, my, God!" His mother fell to his side on her knees. "Call an ambulance!" She shouted. The fear in her eyes was real. She had forgotten the show and had gone off script for once. Through Connor's labored breaths he smiled. He liked seeing his mom like this. As opposed to the act she put on. He had missed this side of her. He just hated that it took for him to have a heart attack to bring it out.

The hands on the clock ticked off another minute. Time seemed to be moving at a sluggish pace. Connor yawned and rubbed his temple. He hated this part of his day, but he made a promise.

"So, Connor? Will today be a good one where you participate or a bad one, where we just sit here in silence waiting until your session is over?" Dr. Hastings spoke in a calming tone. He hated how easy it was to talk to her. She made it seem so easy. "I honestly don't know what to say. It's been nearly a month since I took anything. I feel…I feel…numb. I guess." He looked away from the clock to her. She smiled, nodded, and quickly scribbled something in her notebook. Connor sighed. His eyes went back up to the clock. Five minutes had past. That gave him some relief. His session would soon be over.

"You seem anxious to leave. I thought you enjoyed my company?" She smiled.

He hated when she tried to do her best to relieve the tension. She was no older than twenty-eight which made it even harder for him to take her seriously. "I think I enjoy the company of my brother a little more." She nodded approvingly. Connor relaxed a bit, letting his body sink into the chair. He had twenty-four minutes left to go so he might as well get comfortable.

The brown leather ball left his fingertips and entered the hoop. Christian watched with critical eyes as the ball hit the black top and bounced into his hands. "So do you know how the first basketball was created?" He asked bouncing the ball with serious look upon his face. "No. I don't." Connor listened intently as Christian explained. He liked to talk and Connor liked to listen. Suddenly the back door opened and their mom came out. "Who's keeping score?" She asked, while raising her hands for the ball. Connor past it to her.

"Christian, of course."

She smiled and bounced the ball a few times before shooting it into the basket. It went in. "Good. Cause you cheat." Connor scoffed and headed over towards his mom. Christian walked over to the edge of the basketball court and pulled out _Frankenstein_ by _Mary Shelley_.


End file.
